Murphy's Law

Just to let you know this will not be profound.....far from it actually.

As some of you know through my postings on other sites, I am going in for surgery next Wednesday June 3. I am having a nasal septoplasty, turbinate reduction, tonsillectomy and a uvulopalatorpharyngoplasty, otherwise knows as UP3. Interesting huh? All this is being done in hopes of clearing up my sleep apnea, so that I can sleep better, which will help me feel better overall. That is the theory anyway. It has been underway for months now. First I had to get the insurance company to approve all three procudures. At first this didn't happen. They only approved two, not the UP3. I finally got surgery scheduled a couple weeks ago, with the understanding that I would not be having the UP3, and in the last week or so, the insurance finally approved it. So....big praise for that.

The recovery, from what I've been told, is going to be hard. I guess people want to prepare you for the worst instead of telling you it's going to be all roses. So, although I remain optimistic, I am preparing for worst case scenario, and having a full two weeks of recovery. I am not even supposed to drive...still not sure why. There are plenty of activities that I need to refrain from that make sense, driving isn't one of them, unless it is ony due to being on pain meds.

And in preparing for this two week long recovery, I am trying to get all my business stuff taken care of before hand, all my loose ends tied up. It's a blessing, a HUGE blessing that for the last two weeks I have been slammed with work. I mean very BUSY. But, as it keeps piling up, I am getting nervous that some of it will still be sitting here as I'm laying on a gurney somewhere. I try not to make promises to people that I cannot keep, I do believe that is what makes any business successful. However, I am having technical problems beyond my control and it is making me nervous that those promises I may have to eat. Which is why I bring up Murphy's Law. I'm not sure what the law says exactly, I just know it is usually referred to when "everything that could go wrong does". And that has been my week.

It has been one thing after another, after another. So.......Please pray for me to get done what needs to be done. And that if it doesn't and is because it's out of my control, that I can be at peace with that. I'm really not a perfectionist, but in some areas of my life, I try to be. My work tends to be one of them. We won't go into the others, because they are insignificant.

Anyway. Also pray for a productive surgery, no complications, and quick recovery. I would like to surprise the doctor with a miraculous recovery. LOL. His name is Dr. Shoemaker, and maybe I should request that you pray for him too, since he is the one that will be holding the scalpel. I will stay in the hospital overnight, so pray that I will not be completely bored out of my mind, and that one night will be all it will take.

Like I said, nothing profound, just what is on my mind. Oh yeah, I already have a smoothie lined up because I won't be able to eat anything. So feel free to send smoothies, milk shakes and ice cream my way. hahahahaha.

Thanks for all the prayers that I know you will pray. :)

Sisterhood

Don't know when I will have time to do this this weekend, so I'm getting a jumpstart.
There is no Sister's Day, and so I will write this post in honor of my sister, CLOSE to her birthday. She will be 25 on May 24th, which is this Sunday. She's not old enough to care that I just revealed her age to the world...lol.
I just realize often that my sister is not my "little" sister anymore. I mean she is, but she is a great young woman, not the kid I used to try to ditch all the time. She surprises me all the time with her maturity and insight.
Tracy and I are almost as different as night and day. Yet, we have enough in common that we can appreciate things together. Like country music, or really hot guys, chocolate, softball, our parents and our God. Yet, we are different enough that we don't want to kill each other. At least, I don't think she is plotting anything...haha.
She has even forgiven me for that horrible thing I did last year about this time...I set her up with this guy that ended up being disastrous. And if you are by a long shot that guy, reading this, know that you are a great guy, but just NOT a good match for Trace. It just seems my job as Big Sister is to set Tracy up on dates. Although.....I think she will be a little more cautious the next time I make a suggestion.
And I dont' know why some really awesome guy hasn't snatched her up. I think she is content being single, where she is right now. But she deserves a truly, awesome, God-loving, Spirit filled, caring guy to come along and sweep her off her feet. She has kept herself completely pure for that guy, and I think that is truly awesome, and something to be admired and respected for.
Now having said that....if a guy were to come along that was anything less than awesome, God-loving, Spirit filled and in any way hurt her, I'd have a WHOLE other Big Sister job to take care of :)
Tracy doesn't appreciate mushy as much as my mom does, but I just wanted to let her know how much she means to me. I have not always been a very good role model nor have I left footsteps for her to follow in, which is why I am grateful she has forged her own path. She really is a cool chick. I am grateful to be her sister....even though her turning 25 means I am getting OLD!

Happy Birthday Tracy! I hope this next year is all that you want it to be!
Love you much,
Nae

Motherhood

Okay, so yesterday my mom posted something that Jared had written to me for Mother's Day all over facebook, so that he could proclaim his love for me all over the world wide web. I appreciated it, and because I am Broke, with a capital "B" I will do the same for her here. All the world can see what my mom means to me :) Consider it a "thoughtful" mother's day present.

And this post will be hard for me. Not hard as in I don't know what to say, or that it will be a bunch of typical "I love my mom" stuff, but hard meaning I can get pretty emotional when talking about either of my parents, and especially my mom. But here we go....

My mom has always been the constant in my life. When everything else seemed to be rocky, unsure and unknown, I KNEW my mom would be there, as she always has been. And I know that has not been an easy task. I was a difficult child. Someone in the family nicknamed me Erica, early on, after some soap opera character because I was a tad dramatic, even when I was younger. I would venture to say that I've always been stubborn and a know it all. Possesssing those traits at four, five or six years old is one thing, but I know that as a teenager I was probably unbearable. Okay.....no probably. I know I was hard to live with. I never have been one to submit to authority too well, and the answer "just because I told you so" never was good enough.

And then before I got out of my teens, I became a mother myself. And I still had alot of growing up to do. I can honestly say that Jared and I kinda grew up together. I was trying to find who I was in this world, while raising a son as a single mom. This task was not easy by any means, but having a mom that was so supportive definitely made it alot easier. She has been what Jared needed when I was not being the mother I should have been. I can say that Jared is who he is today because of God and my mom. She jokes that Jared is such a good kid, he could have been raised by monkeys and still woulda turned out alright...I'm not sure about that, but he has always been a great kid. I will give glory to God first and then to her. If it's down to nurture v. nature, I believe genetics have had little to do with Jared's personality and character and all to do with how he has been raised. And my mom is not the only one with a hand in that. Because I worked and went to school when Jared was so young I do believe he was shaped by all of his grandparents, dad, church and so on. But my mom has always been the constant in his life as well as benig the constant in mine. And for that I am so grateful.

And my mom has been a great mom. This is not by her upbringing either. Let's just say my maternal grandmother wasn't so maternal, and was lacking greatly in the mother role she was given. Having said that, it means so much more to me that my mom is who she is. No mother has an instruction manual on how to raise her kids, so mostly she looks to the way she was raised. I am thankful that she didn't. My mom surpassed her own mother in so many ways in being a loving, caring and compassionate mother. Some mothers don't earn the title, "mom" and hers didn't. I believe she has tried very hard to do what her mother didn't, and she has succeeded.

And she has taught me how to be a mom. And a good woman. My mom is the strongest woman I know. And as life has handed me my own set of problems, I have realized that, whether it's genetics or learned, she has passed down to me, some of that unshakable strength. For that I am also grateful. My mom has had some obstacles in her life that would tear apart some people. The biggest is losing my brother when he was very young. Her faith in God and her love for me kept her going when alot would have turned the other direction. I also know that by losing my brother, she knows the value of the day, that not every day is guaranteed, that this breath could be your last. I think back to when I ran wild and cannot imagine how much she worried when I stayed out late. But I also know that her placing such a high value on life, is what made her love me when I was unlovable. It is what kept her from turning her back on me when alot of mothers would have thrown up their hands and said, "Enough".

My mom has a great sense of humor, which she also passed on, and a genuine love for people. She hasn't just been a mother to her three kids, but she is a mother to the motherless and a nana to the ones that are without. She loves children and sees all of them with the same value whether they are hers or not. She has been a children's worker at our church for so long, and I know that even when she sometimes gets tired of it, she is grateful for the times when she sees a young child grasping the concept that God loves them, or a retention of a Bible story. I know that she is rewarded now, and will be rewarded greatly in Heaven for the time that she has invested into each of those little hearts.

And without my mom, I have no idea where I would be. I know there have been times that she felt absolutely helpless when it came to getting me "fixed". But I also know that in those times, she did the best thing she could for me. She pleaded with her Father, my Father, our Father in heaven to do what she could not. To protect me when she couldn't, to comfort me when she didn't know how, to guide me and lead me because I wasn't listening to her and to love me when she didn't know how. And by doing that, it allowed the right changes to be made instead of temporary ones.

I love my mom so much. I can't stand to think of my life without her. I talked to a friend yesterday who was having an obviously hard time with Mother's Day because she lost her mom some years ago. For those that had a best friend in their mother, like she did, like I do, and they have lost that due to death, my heart breaks for them. I know that day will come and I will be sad. But I have promised my mom that we will have a party of sorts instead of a grief stricken time of mourning. For one, my mom deserves a party to honor her, and we also both know that we will only be seperated a short period of time. There will be a day when my whole immediate family will be reunited in heaven with our Creator, and each other. I know she looks forward to the day that she will see Andy again, and that alone is worth celebrating while we are still here on earth.

Mom, I know you are probably crying by now. I hope they are tears of joy, pride and happiness. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being a mom to my husband who is without a mom. Thank you for being a great Nana to Jared. Thank you, most of all, for showing me God when I could not find him myself. I ask him all the time to wrap his arms around me and comfort me. Sometimes I get upset with him because I cannot feel it. And then you come along, and I realize you are his arms. I love you. And I am so proud to be your daughter.

I love you forever. I like you for always. And forever your baby I will be (or something like that)

Nae

No vacation

Oh, I forgot to mention that after that last post I decided to stay in town after all. And the great thing about that is that God meets us anywhere we are. Truth is, He is always there, we are the ones that have to show up for the meeting. And as nice as it would have been to sit by the water and have some alone time with God, he met me on the softball field tonight. And he will be waiting for me tonight when I lay my head down. And he will speak to me through the children that I will be teaching tomorrow. He is always there.....I am deciding to show up. There. And there. And there.

Hebrews 13:5

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" Hebrews 13:5

I am sure everyone, at some point, has felt abandoned. Alone. Forsaken. One week ago I was at that place. I felt so alone, betrayed, confused and depressed. I am an open book, usually one that can adequately explain what I feel and think, and yet I am at loss for words on exactly how I felt forsaken. Forsaken by people in my life and by God. I felt as though I had no one. Yet in at that place I realized, after time, that I did have God. And although I felt like I was in a living hell, I realized that Hell would be different because there would be no God, felt or unfelt. In Hell, he will not be there.
Here I am thinking that I have come so far in my spiritual walk that I feel, now, ashamed of how I felt then, a week ago. Because I wanted to die. And yet I am here. God pulled me through again...out of another pit. In the midst of my pain, I did think of the apostle Paul who was put in prison and could sing praises to God despite his circumstances. I can say, that even though I wasn't cursing God, I sure was not singing praise to him. I honestly thought about it, wanted to, but just did not have it in me. I was broken. Completely broken. I was hurt. And I was mad. And I said and did things that did not portray a very Christ like attitude. I acted out out of pain and betrayal. So, again, I am realizing that I have a long way to go.
But I am thankful for his protection of me from myself. And I am so thankful for his grace and mercy, which was extended to me by Him through people that I will never see again. People that I'm sure never even knew they were being used by God to bring some hope to me.
Which leads me to thinking how important it is for us, who call ourselves Christians to be kind to others. We never know when someone may be experiencing their own version of a living hell, and how our kindness may save them, literally save their lives. Kindness being a word or encouragement, a word of hope or even a smile and a wink. For me it was being offered a sip of water like the Samaritan woman at the well. It really is the little things.
I am more thankful today, than last week for my faith in God. He restores me, heals my brokeness and offers a hope. It is well with my soul.
And I hope the next time I am in a proverbial prison, I can sing praises to Him despite my circumstances. That is my goal. To be like Paul, who was like Christ, who is God.

Faith is believing in something you can't see, explain or feel right?
My faith in God is what is getting me through right now. Because I am sure not feeling good about things. I sure can't see the outcome. And for the life of me I cannot explain my life to anyone right now.
I have debated all week whether to go on a trip that I was supposed to take with my husband. It looks like I will be going....alone. I am hoping that I will meet God there for a little one on one time. That he will speak to my heart and my mind and give me the restoration and relaxation that I have desperately needed for a long time.
And I am going to try to not feel guilty about it. I have other commitments here in town, that I will surely be thinking about. I just hope that everyone understands that sometimes we have to make ourselves a priority. And this weekend is the time for me to do that.
Please pray for me this weekend as you think about it. Pray that God will grant me a peace that "transcends all understanding". Peace is something I have lived without for so long.