Wow. I've thought about posting but really hadn't realized it's been almost a year since the last one. A LOT has happened since then. And after reading the last post, I have changed (thank God) since then too.

I'm proud to say that at 1:06 on June 6, 2010 Tristan Ryan Mays was born. THAT seems like forever ago. He will be 6 months old in just a couple weeks. He came into the world a heck of lot easier than his brother 12 years before him. But looks just like his big brother Jared. Completely different personalities. Jared was an easy, care-free, happy baby. Tristan isn't the exact opposite, but let's just say he's a little bit more high maintenance. For the last six months he has consumed a lot of my time. I'm so thankful that I can be home with him.

Let's see......what else? Officially divorced. I'm not happy to be a divorce statistic, but you wouldn't have been able to tell by the "happy dance" I did in my driveway the day I got the divorce papers out of the mail. It was just closure. And I could say that I regret those years or wish they hadn't happened, but those five years made me who I am today. I learned. A LOT. And I think when I posted the last mini novel, I had planned to include more of my marriage horror stories in a later post. I'm not. They don't matter. I thought at the time that if someone read them it would help them, to possibly let them know they aren't alone, know that someone relates. And maybe it could. And if I had posted sooner, it still may have been therapeutic for myself, but now it's just opening wounds that have already healed.

And I am healed. It was, I think, sometime after Tristan was born that it dawned on me that I was back to being me. I will say this about my marriage......I had lost myself. And I think that was the worst part. Sure parts of me grew and matured, and that's not a bad thing. But I wasn't happy or funny or care-free, adventurous, optimistic....nothing that I feel that I've been my whole life. And now....I'm back. A better version. 2.0 if you will. I hear the birds chirp and am grateful for it. It reminds me that God has got my back. My outlook is sunny again. I'm back to believing that there's good in people, that not everyone is out to lie and cheat. I can be compassionate, thoughtful and caring, because I'm not worried about my own life and survival so much.

I've taken on a new business. IT has grown me and matured me in a very short period of time. And in that, my other business has thrived. Life is GOOD. The only thing that I can say is a "want" right now, is that I'd be better off financially, to make sure that my boys have everything they deserve. They are both awesome kids. My heart smiles just to think of them both. One is well on his way to becoming a nice young man and the other is cutting a tooth. Crazy. I have said it a million times, that a little over a year ago, I'd never have imagined my life would be where it is today, right at this moment. But now....I can't imagine it any different.

Thanksgiving is next week. Wow. I can't possibly list all the things that I'm thankful for. There isn't enough room on this server. But I will start. I'm thankful for my Father in heaven, who has protected me and brought me to this place. I'm thankful that he has given me the grace to not only survive, but to LIVE again. I'm thankful for my boys, Jared and Tristan. They motivate me to be all that God intended me to be. They are both His and He has a plan for them. I'm thankful for God seeing fit to make me a mom to such beautiful and intelligent boys (if I didn't mention, I'm positive Tristan is a genius like his bro-I just already know, heehee). I'm thankful for my mom, who has shown me how to be one. She has shown me God when I thought he wasn't around. She has been his arms hugging me and pushing me my whole life, knowing which to do at just the right time. I'm thankful for my dad and the relationship that we now have. I'm thankful, that unlike most men, he has just listened when I needed him to, no quick fix responses, just an ear when it was most needed. I'm thankful for my sister, who has jumped in to save the day on more than one occasion, but specifically a day not too long ago when all my mom tricks were exhausted and I was too and Tristan STILL was not happy. I'm thankful for the roof over my head, although not ideal, is Home. I have met people that live or have lived on the streets that will tell me how blessed I am to have this. And speaking of that, I'm thankful for a new friend this year that this time last year was homeless and now has a job and a place to live. And he offers humor to me every day that just lights up my day. I'm thankful for the people that God puts in my life that I wouldn't have picked out for myself necessarily that have been the best of friends. And speaking of best friends....Angela. Wow. This girl is amazing and has been a rock for me the last year. Hmm. Sometimes she is the keeper of my sanity. I LOVE YOU GIRL! I am thankful for both of my businesses. Each in their own rite had given me confidence to be all that I am supposed to. God has given me extraordinary talents and abilities and I'm thankful that I'm in a position to be able to use them, because others' go wasted. I'm thankful that somehow, someway I've been provided for. I have by no means everything I want, but miraculously all my needs are met just like the birds and the lillies (Matthew chapter 6 I think-check it out). I'm thankful for the people in my church who have shown me God's love, forgiveness and grace when it would have been easy not to. I'm also thankful for the ones that didn't. They have taught me a valuable lesson- how not to be. I'm thankful for social networking. It has allowed me to reconnect with people and meet others for the first time that have enriched my life, made me smile and offered encouragement.

I'm thankful for my Lord, Jesus Christ who saw me....lil ol me, and thought I was worth dying for. He knew I'd be a sinner. He knew I would get saved and STILL screw up. He knew all the bad things about me that I won't even list here, and he still thought about me and loved me enough to DIE for me. That is at the top of my list. Because without it, none of the other stuff would matter.

That's it. All I got. It's late. Tomorrow is church. In about 6 hours there will be a baby wanting to be fed. Life goes on........but it's SOOOOO good.

Better or Bitter?

I was asked not too long ago whether my husband and/or marriage had made me bitter. The answer to that question could very well be "yes", but I am thankful that it is not. As I mentioned, the time that immediately followed me calling it "quits" I was bitter. But it was not a lasting feeling. And alot of those feelings were towards God rather than my husband. It was a short season, one in which I made many mistakes. Given to me to do over again, I'd like to think I'd do things differently, but I can't imagine that pain being any different, or my faith being shaken any differently, so I imagine my response would be the same. That is just honest.

I met my husband five years ago next month. It wasn't the best time in my life, nor was it the worst. I had been partying but I wasn't depressed, even though I have dealt with that on and off my whole life. We moved into a serious relationship very quickly and I gave my heart away faster than I should. We moved in with one another a year later and were married six months after that, being together about a year and a half. I can look back now, and have even told him, that I am responsible for us getting married. Of course he had a say so, but I was pressured to marry him. I had made a mistake by living with him, felt convicted by my beliefs way more than I ever thought I would, and thought the best way to fix it was to get married.

I quickly learned that I had made a mistake. But what was I to do? Of all the things that have happened in three years since we married, I hold more blame toward myself than anyone. He was the same the day we seperated as he was the day I married him. I had no illusions of the kind of person he was. I knew full well what I was getting myself into, and went on anyway. And I didn't have the misconstrued notion that I could change him. I did believe that he could change. I knew it would be up to God. Had I not married him, or waited I would have seen that he didn't want to change, and God never forces our hand. It is up to us. But one thing he had going for him, was boy, could he play the game. He played along for three years and is still playing today. But after I was married, I was dedicacated to making it work, doing all that I needed, changing myself for the better, being the wife I was biblically called to be. It was my mistake, and I was determined to fix it. I had taken an oath before my family and God to do just that. I believed and still do that marriage is for life.

Before I give all the details I need to say a couple things. First, I did love him. I wanted to see him change. I wanted to help him change. I wanted him to see the changes in me, the relationship I had with God, and want to change for himself. We had fun together. More than anyone else I had been with, I laughed the hardest. I talked and opened myself up the most. I invested. We shared our goals and dreams. We talked and planned for the future. He was at times very caring. And I think alot of it, well, honestly, just had to do with me. Not to toot my own horn, but if I had acted differently, not as open, I'm not sure we would have had even that good stuff. Because in reality, he's selfish. If he had been given nothing to start with, I'm not sure I would have ever seen the good side.

Because most of what I saw was the bad stuff. We weren't married three months yet, when we called the pastor that had married us and asked him to counsel us. Now, there are probably a million different opinions on what constitutes "cheating". I have my ideas, have always maintained the same opinion. Whether he (I'll just keep referrring to him as he) agreed with them or not, he knew exactly what I thought about the matter. I had never tiptoed around the topic. I had always told him, I was in it for life, and one sure fired way to make sure I left would be to cheat on me. And within three months of the "I do's" he had done it. I found pictures of half naked girls and profiles from a member site in the temporary internet files of his computer.

Without going into every detail of the low's of our marriage, I will say that it was not my finest moment when ever I resorted to searching through computer files, phone records, text messages, etc. I had NEVER been the jealous girlfriend before. I had never had a reason to. I won't say that every man I met was the pillar of society, or that they were all great. BUT I can say that not a one of them ever disrespected me. Maybe we broke up before they felt the urge, or they just had enough genuine respect for me not to do it. Not him. I was disrespected at every turn. And I really started to hate the woman that I had become. I felt like one of those crazed psychopaths that is constantly digging for info. And even when I wasn't digging I would find stuff, which then would start the search all over again to see if I had missed something. Like I said, not my finest moment. But my reasoning at the time, would I rather be a crazed, lunatic of a woman searching frantically for evidence of an affair, OR an ignorant pathetic sap of a woman that stood by and made excuses for herself and her husband, meanwhile him making her look like a fool and taking advantage of her. Okay. Well I decided to be Woman A. And I wish I could say that I was being paranoid. But my gut instinct never failed me. I would always find something. Which would start a fight of why I was looking in the first place, to which I would respond that for once I'd like not to find something. And the argument continued in circles....blah blah blah.

I will also say that if he had ever been honest with me, things could have turned out drastically different. But every time he was confronted with an issue, he would deny it. He would lie about it. He would come up with huge, detailed, extravagant stories to back up his lies. And one listening would think, "how could someone lie so big?". Truthfully, I never full heartedly believed his stories, but sometimes there would be enough truth to make me at least sway towards believing him. And I wanted to. I mean, Lord, who wants to think they are married to a pathological liar? Because although I said I knew what I was getting into when I married him, that is mostly true. I knew enough that I shouldn't have married him in the first place. But even that was only the tip of the iceberg. He knew how to play the game.

This is emotionally draining on me. I have chosen to relive it, to share it in hopes that I can help someone. But more so, it's therapeutic for me. I think and hope that it will provide closure for me. Somehow that me writing about it, putting it out for the whole world to see (and even him) will help me know that I'm done. It will remind me that I don't want to go there again. Because I don't. I can't. I've decided to stop with the story for now. I will pick up that again later.

But what I had learned to this point is important. Because I learned something that I never thought myself capable of doing. I forgave. For cheating. I forgave for lying. And I did those things knowing the truth but having never heard the truth come out of his mouth. Like I said, he would admit half truths, but usually what I had already known or suspected. I never got a tearful confession begging for forgiveness. But I gave it anyway. I'm not saying that staying with him was the best thing I could have done. But forgiving him, I know for sure, was. It was the best thing for ME, had nothing to do with him. It allowed me to see that God enables us to do the impossible. I had always said I would NEVER stay with a man that cheated on me. I would never even be able to THINK about forgiving him. And God showed me that it was possible. And I think that very early lesson is what has kept the long lasting bitterness away from me. Because I have even forgiven him now. And he still doesn't grasp what he has been forgiven for. And that's OK. I didn't forgive on my own though. It is my natural tendency to not forget things. I won't say that I haven't been a forgiving person my whole life, but when it came to that area, I just had always kinda said, "like, why bother?". I can't say that I have forgotten them today, otherwise this blog would be short. But I don't carry these things around with me everyday, allowing them to weigh me down with bitterness, hurt anger or betrayal. To this I say "like, why bother?". :)

A Look Back

I am wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I haven't posted in some time, for various reasons. There are many new things to be reported and pondered. I have been wanting to post for months, but wasn't quite sure how to say what I felt needed to be said. I'm glad I decided to wait. If I had written, my tone would have been completely different than the one I know I can use today. I went through a "dark" time a few months back, full of resentment, bitterness and anger and I would not have had a very positive outlook. But like all other times in my life, where the darkness creeps in, I have taken time to examine the situation and myself. And optimism returns. It has.
But for me to begin to even share what I hope for in the new year, I do kind of have to recap on the last year, and maybe even a few before that. I had not shared every detail of my life in the last few posts, because that is when the "tough" had started. I wanted to wait to see if things would turn around...once again, wanting to share the positive, and to protect someone else. And it's not that I don't care about protecting that person anymore, I just know it's no longer my job.

I had seperated from my husband back in April of '09. That is why I mentioned my living situation being a little difficult. And in that seperation, I had hoped that we would reconcile. At the end of July, I knew without a doubt there would be no reconciliation. We had seperated three times in three years of marriage each time me wanting to make it work, and doing everything possible to see that happen. And I always knew, that if things didn't change, there would be a point that I would just KNOW that it was over. That day happened in July. There were no tears. No tantrums. No pity parties (but believe me, I had plenty prior to that date). Just me deciding enough was enough. I had not taken my marriage lightly, nor the seperations, no the marriage counseling, or now the divorce.

And I will post more later about what I've been through in the last five years since I met my ex husband. And not so much what I've been through, because lots of women (and men) have been through those things. But more important is what I learned. The kind of person I became through it. The kind of lessons that I would hope to pass on to someone else in the same situation. But that is for later.

After I decided to call it "quits" in July, I moved on. Quickly. I started dating. And partying. The last four years of my life had not been fun. Not even remotely fun. Sure there were fun times, mingled in with all the greif. But I lost alot of myself in my marriage. So I went back to the "fun" I had before I got married. Really the only fun I was ever used to. And I met a guy. I started seeing him seriously, way too quickly. And I got pregnant.

And I could keep writing. From now until the end of the weekend....and still have stuff to say. I think I will quit here. But 2010 will hold many things for me. I will have the baby I have wanted for so long, ironic that my husband and I had tried very hard and just didn't happen. I will turn 30. My son will turn 12. I will continue to grow my business. I will strive everyday to be the person that God wants me to be. And what is great, is that even though I screwed up back in September, he has already forgiven me for that. Back in October. I am carrying a child, that was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, but have a peace about it. I know that God will bless this child, already has a plan for the child and the adult that he/she will become. I know this. Because it goes back to my favorite passage in the Bible. Psalm 139. And along with my baby, he has a plan for me too.

More to come.....maybe tomorrow.