A Look Back

I am wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I haven't posted in some time, for various reasons. There are many new things to be reported and pondered. I have been wanting to post for months, but wasn't quite sure how to say what I felt needed to be said. I'm glad I decided to wait. If I had written, my tone would have been completely different than the one I know I can use today. I went through a "dark" time a few months back, full of resentment, bitterness and anger and I would not have had a very positive outlook. But like all other times in my life, where the darkness creeps in, I have taken time to examine the situation and myself. And optimism returns. It has.
But for me to begin to even share what I hope for in the new year, I do kind of have to recap on the last year, and maybe even a few before that. I had not shared every detail of my life in the last few posts, because that is when the "tough" had started. I wanted to wait to see if things would turn around...once again, wanting to share the positive, and to protect someone else. And it's not that I don't care about protecting that person anymore, I just know it's no longer my job.

I had seperated from my husband back in April of '09. That is why I mentioned my living situation being a little difficult. And in that seperation, I had hoped that we would reconcile. At the end of July, I knew without a doubt there would be no reconciliation. We had seperated three times in three years of marriage each time me wanting to make it work, and doing everything possible to see that happen. And I always knew, that if things didn't change, there would be a point that I would just KNOW that it was over. That day happened in July. There were no tears. No tantrums. No pity parties (but believe me, I had plenty prior to that date). Just me deciding enough was enough. I had not taken my marriage lightly, nor the seperations, no the marriage counseling, or now the divorce.

And I will post more later about what I've been through in the last five years since I met my ex husband. And not so much what I've been through, because lots of women (and men) have been through those things. But more important is what I learned. The kind of person I became through it. The kind of lessons that I would hope to pass on to someone else in the same situation. But that is for later.

After I decided to call it "quits" in July, I moved on. Quickly. I started dating. And partying. The last four years of my life had not been fun. Not even remotely fun. Sure there were fun times, mingled in with all the greif. But I lost alot of myself in my marriage. So I went back to the "fun" I had before I got married. Really the only fun I was ever used to. And I met a guy. I started seeing him seriously, way too quickly. And I got pregnant.

And I could keep writing. From now until the end of the weekend....and still have stuff to say. I think I will quit here. But 2010 will hold many things for me. I will have the baby I have wanted for so long, ironic that my husband and I had tried very hard and just didn't happen. I will turn 30. My son will turn 12. I will continue to grow my business. I will strive everyday to be the person that God wants me to be. And what is great, is that even though I screwed up back in September, he has already forgiven me for that. Back in October. I am carrying a child, that was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, but have a peace about it. I know that God will bless this child, already has a plan for the child and the adult that he/she will become. I know this. Because it goes back to my favorite passage in the Bible. Psalm 139. And along with my baby, he has a plan for me too.

More to come.....maybe tomorrow.