What now?

Ok. So here's the deal. You find out that something big is planned. Maybe you find out months ahead, leaving you counting weeks and days until it happens. You wait patiently, or may be not so much for that day to come. And then the big event happens....and then what?

That is how my time has gone waiting for this surgery to happen. Because I am hoping that it will solve some if not all of my long lasting medical problems. The inability to sleep well, the fatigue during the day (duh), the weight gain, the migraines, etc, etc, etc. I have been so wound up waiting on the doctor's office, the insurance and the hospital to schedule me that it had me preoccupied and not thinking much about other things going on in my life. And to be honest that was a big blessing at the time. It was an appreciated distraction.

But now my surgery has come and gone. By the way, I am recovering nicely and eating here and there. No hamburgers or pizza yet, but I am not wasting away either. I am pretty much off the medicine except at night to help sleep, and during the day I feel human again. Thanks much for all of the prayers and well wishes. It is nice to know that people care.

I ask myself "what next?". There are so many things up in the air right now. I am in a temporary living situation. So there is the question of where I should be living, or should I be in a hurry to get there. How much money should I save before I even think about living elsewhere. I have been blessed abundantly with work lately, for which I am extremely thankful. I want to believe that I will continue to be blessed, but also don't want to take on the responsibility of a single income home with no promises that next month will be the same as the last month.

There are other factors involved with my living situation. For example, Jared just graduated fifth grade and will be going to big ole middle school next year. So not only have I pulled him out of his existing school district, I am doing it at a milestone in his life that could be a hard adjustment. I want to make sure that whatever school he is attending in the fall will be the best one for such transition.

I have so many questions. I won't say fears. Maybe I will call them "concerns". I have so many concerns about what will happen in the next few months. I know God is with me here, in this time of uncertainty, but I sure wish I could see down the road just a little ways to help know the decisions that need to be made today. I know he doesn't work that way, but it would be nice. I don't want to know EVERY little detail, but a little glimpse would be ok. At least to know that I am on the right track.

And there is another area of my life that is rocky. I won't go into that now, except to mention that I am really, totally at a loss at what to do. And this is not the first time that I felt that God's voice could just as easily be Satan's voice telling me what to do. It is one of those situations where God's will could go either way, and there definitely needs to be some clear instructions or directions given. And I'm not hearing anything. Nothing. Nada. I want so much to do what the Lord wants of me, even against my own desires and wants. I want to be in his will. I just don't hear anything right now. I desperately want answers.

Please pray for me. I don't lay my life out here to be entertainment. I do it to hopefully encourage and inspire. But I also feel that as Christians we sometimes keep things to ourselves because of pride or shame or guilt or embarassment, and that is the biggest tool of Satan. If we never share our burdens with another, then we can never receive prayer or encouragement or positive feedback. So that is another reason I put my life in the view of everyone. I ask earnestly for prayers. I need wisdom, and discernment and guidance, and protection from the enemy. And honestly I need to develop an even deeper yearning to find his purpose for my life. A growing desire to know God better. A rooted love for Him. I want to be wooed by Jesus. I want to fall in love with Him, to have an intimate relationship. Please pray with me and for me. Thank you in advance for any prayers you lift on my behalf.

With much sincerity,
Renee