What now?

Ok. So here's the deal. You find out that something big is planned. Maybe you find out months ahead, leaving you counting weeks and days until it happens. You wait patiently, or may be not so much for that day to come. And then the big event happens....and then what?

That is how my time has gone waiting for this surgery to happen. Because I am hoping that it will solve some if not all of my long lasting medical problems. The inability to sleep well, the fatigue during the day (duh), the weight gain, the migraines, etc, etc, etc. I have been so wound up waiting on the doctor's office, the insurance and the hospital to schedule me that it had me preoccupied and not thinking much about other things going on in my life. And to be honest that was a big blessing at the time. It was an appreciated distraction.

But now my surgery has come and gone. By the way, I am recovering nicely and eating here and there. No hamburgers or pizza yet, but I am not wasting away either. I am pretty much off the medicine except at night to help sleep, and during the day I feel human again. Thanks much for all of the prayers and well wishes. It is nice to know that people care.

I ask myself "what next?". There are so many things up in the air right now. I am in a temporary living situation. So there is the question of where I should be living, or should I be in a hurry to get there. How much money should I save before I even think about living elsewhere. I have been blessed abundantly with work lately, for which I am extremely thankful. I want to believe that I will continue to be blessed, but also don't want to take on the responsibility of a single income home with no promises that next month will be the same as the last month.

There are other factors involved with my living situation. For example, Jared just graduated fifth grade and will be going to big ole middle school next year. So not only have I pulled him out of his existing school district, I am doing it at a milestone in his life that could be a hard adjustment. I want to make sure that whatever school he is attending in the fall will be the best one for such transition.

I have so many questions. I won't say fears. Maybe I will call them "concerns". I have so many concerns about what will happen in the next few months. I know God is with me here, in this time of uncertainty, but I sure wish I could see down the road just a little ways to help know the decisions that need to be made today. I know he doesn't work that way, but it would be nice. I don't want to know EVERY little detail, but a little glimpse would be ok. At least to know that I am on the right track.

And there is another area of my life that is rocky. I won't go into that now, except to mention that I am really, totally at a loss at what to do. And this is not the first time that I felt that God's voice could just as easily be Satan's voice telling me what to do. It is one of those situations where God's will could go either way, and there definitely needs to be some clear instructions or directions given. And I'm not hearing anything. Nothing. Nada. I want so much to do what the Lord wants of me, even against my own desires and wants. I want to be in his will. I just don't hear anything right now. I desperately want answers.

Please pray for me. I don't lay my life out here to be entertainment. I do it to hopefully encourage and inspire. But I also feel that as Christians we sometimes keep things to ourselves because of pride or shame or guilt or embarassment, and that is the biggest tool of Satan. If we never share our burdens with another, then we can never receive prayer or encouragement or positive feedback. So that is another reason I put my life in the view of everyone. I ask earnestly for prayers. I need wisdom, and discernment and guidance, and protection from the enemy. And honestly I need to develop an even deeper yearning to find his purpose for my life. A growing desire to know God better. A rooted love for Him. I want to be wooed by Jesus. I want to fall in love with Him, to have an intimate relationship. Please pray with me and for me. Thank you in advance for any prayers you lift on my behalf.

With much sincerity,
Renee

Prayer Please

Hello everyone.
One week ago tomorrow I had surgery. I have not posted an update because there wasn't much to say and I have been a lil loopy. I try to rest, be still, sleep, and do as little as possible.

I would ask that you continue to pray for my recovery. When I said everyone had given me an "realistic" outlook, I was wrong. They were actually being pretty optimistic. The pain has been unbearable at times. Swallowing glass sounds more appealing than just swallowing my medicine. The medicine is liquid vicodin, and is helpful but I'm cautious with it. I don't want to take too much or become dependent on it. However, I do like the fact that it makes me feel better even for just a minute or fifteen. When my mom went to go get the refill, it was written on the paper work that it is "being taken too much". Oooooh. That got me. I told mom to take me to the pharmacy with her next time. I'll shine a flashlight at the back of my throat and then see what lil mr/ms. pill pants has to say about it then. I dare them to say it to my face.

No, in all seriousness this is not what I had expected. It has really wore me thin. I expected to be sore, like maybe a really bad sore throat, chillin back and eatin some ice cream or some smoothies. I have not eaten more than 6 or 7 bites of ANYTHING since last week. By the time I hit bite 5 I think, my throat starts to rebel against whatever it is I'm trying to shove down it. And I take medicine and try to repeat the process in a couple hours. I am hungry. HUNGRY. And I tend to get cranky when I'm hungry. And I knew I could spare a few pounds, but losing 7 in not quite as many days seems to be a little drastic. Not that I will get to appreciate it, because when I can eat, I'm sure whatever is lost will quickly refind itself. LOL.

And bless my family. They are doing everything they can to make things better on me. Nursing me. Taking care of Jared. Even doing business stuff for me. Nice. All very nice.

So, that is my update. Nothing eloquent. Nothing even inspiring. Just please continue to pray for me and my family. Please pray that this recovery will speed up a bit. I'm okay with taking it easy until I'm fully recovered, just as long as I can get a little pain relief.

And, just so you know....as soon as I can eat something again, you all better stay outta my way. Cause I'm hittin up some restaurants and Walmart. I'm gonna eat something good and fattening, and sticky and something that will stick to my ribs. Forget broth. Yogurt. Pudding. Mushed macaroni. Ice Cream. Jello. I want something tasty.

Murphy's Law

Just to let you know this will not be profound.....far from it actually.

As some of you know through my postings on other sites, I am going in for surgery next Wednesday June 3. I am having a nasal septoplasty, turbinate reduction, tonsillectomy and a uvulopalatorpharyngoplasty, otherwise knows as UP3. Interesting huh? All this is being done in hopes of clearing up my sleep apnea, so that I can sleep better, which will help me feel better overall. That is the theory anyway. It has been underway for months now. First I had to get the insurance company to approve all three procudures. At first this didn't happen. They only approved two, not the UP3. I finally got surgery scheduled a couple weeks ago, with the understanding that I would not be having the UP3, and in the last week or so, the insurance finally approved it. So....big praise for that.

The recovery, from what I've been told, is going to be hard. I guess people want to prepare you for the worst instead of telling you it's going to be all roses. So, although I remain optimistic, I am preparing for worst case scenario, and having a full two weeks of recovery. I am not even supposed to drive...still not sure why. There are plenty of activities that I need to refrain from that make sense, driving isn't one of them, unless it is ony due to being on pain meds.

And in preparing for this two week long recovery, I am trying to get all my business stuff taken care of before hand, all my loose ends tied up. It's a blessing, a HUGE blessing that for the last two weeks I have been slammed with work. I mean very BUSY. But, as it keeps piling up, I am getting nervous that some of it will still be sitting here as I'm laying on a gurney somewhere. I try not to make promises to people that I cannot keep, I do believe that is what makes any business successful. However, I am having technical problems beyond my control and it is making me nervous that those promises I may have to eat. Which is why I bring up Murphy's Law. I'm not sure what the law says exactly, I just know it is usually referred to when "everything that could go wrong does". And that has been my week.

It has been one thing after another, after another. So.......Please pray for me to get done what needs to be done. And that if it doesn't and is because it's out of my control, that I can be at peace with that. I'm really not a perfectionist, but in some areas of my life, I try to be. My work tends to be one of them. We won't go into the others, because they are insignificant.

Anyway. Also pray for a productive surgery, no complications, and quick recovery. I would like to surprise the doctor with a miraculous recovery. LOL. His name is Dr. Shoemaker, and maybe I should request that you pray for him too, since he is the one that will be holding the scalpel. I will stay in the hospital overnight, so pray that I will not be completely bored out of my mind, and that one night will be all it will take.

Like I said, nothing profound, just what is on my mind. Oh yeah, I already have a smoothie lined up because I won't be able to eat anything. So feel free to send smoothies, milk shakes and ice cream my way. hahahahaha.

Thanks for all the prayers that I know you will pray. :)

Sisterhood

Don't know when I will have time to do this this weekend, so I'm getting a jumpstart.
There is no Sister's Day, and so I will write this post in honor of my sister, CLOSE to her birthday. She will be 25 on May 24th, which is this Sunday. She's not old enough to care that I just revealed her age to the world...lol.
I just realize often that my sister is not my "little" sister anymore. I mean she is, but she is a great young woman, not the kid I used to try to ditch all the time. She surprises me all the time with her maturity and insight.
Tracy and I are almost as different as night and day. Yet, we have enough in common that we can appreciate things together. Like country music, or really hot guys, chocolate, softball, our parents and our God. Yet, we are different enough that we don't want to kill each other. At least, I don't think she is plotting anything...haha.
She has even forgiven me for that horrible thing I did last year about this time...I set her up with this guy that ended up being disastrous. And if you are by a long shot that guy, reading this, know that you are a great guy, but just NOT a good match for Trace. It just seems my job as Big Sister is to set Tracy up on dates. Although.....I think she will be a little more cautious the next time I make a suggestion.
And I dont' know why some really awesome guy hasn't snatched her up. I think she is content being single, where she is right now. But she deserves a truly, awesome, God-loving, Spirit filled, caring guy to come along and sweep her off her feet. She has kept herself completely pure for that guy, and I think that is truly awesome, and something to be admired and respected for.
Now having said that....if a guy were to come along that was anything less than awesome, God-loving, Spirit filled and in any way hurt her, I'd have a WHOLE other Big Sister job to take care of :)
Tracy doesn't appreciate mushy as much as my mom does, but I just wanted to let her know how much she means to me. I have not always been a very good role model nor have I left footsteps for her to follow in, which is why I am grateful she has forged her own path. She really is a cool chick. I am grateful to be her sister....even though her turning 25 means I am getting OLD!

Happy Birthday Tracy! I hope this next year is all that you want it to be!
Love you much,
Nae

Motherhood

Okay, so yesterday my mom posted something that Jared had written to me for Mother's Day all over facebook, so that he could proclaim his love for me all over the world wide web. I appreciated it, and because I am Broke, with a capital "B" I will do the same for her here. All the world can see what my mom means to me :) Consider it a "thoughtful" mother's day present.

And this post will be hard for me. Not hard as in I don't know what to say, or that it will be a bunch of typical "I love my mom" stuff, but hard meaning I can get pretty emotional when talking about either of my parents, and especially my mom. But here we go....

My mom has always been the constant in my life. When everything else seemed to be rocky, unsure and unknown, I KNEW my mom would be there, as she always has been. And I know that has not been an easy task. I was a difficult child. Someone in the family nicknamed me Erica, early on, after some soap opera character because I was a tad dramatic, even when I was younger. I would venture to say that I've always been stubborn and a know it all. Possesssing those traits at four, five or six years old is one thing, but I know that as a teenager I was probably unbearable. Okay.....no probably. I know I was hard to live with. I never have been one to submit to authority too well, and the answer "just because I told you so" never was good enough.

And then before I got out of my teens, I became a mother myself. And I still had alot of growing up to do. I can honestly say that Jared and I kinda grew up together. I was trying to find who I was in this world, while raising a son as a single mom. This task was not easy by any means, but having a mom that was so supportive definitely made it alot easier. She has been what Jared needed when I was not being the mother I should have been. I can say that Jared is who he is today because of God and my mom. She jokes that Jared is such a good kid, he could have been raised by monkeys and still woulda turned out alright...I'm not sure about that, but he has always been a great kid. I will give glory to God first and then to her. If it's down to nurture v. nature, I believe genetics have had little to do with Jared's personality and character and all to do with how he has been raised. And my mom is not the only one with a hand in that. Because I worked and went to school when Jared was so young I do believe he was shaped by all of his grandparents, dad, church and so on. But my mom has always been the constant in his life as well as benig the constant in mine. And for that I am so grateful.

And my mom has been a great mom. This is not by her upbringing either. Let's just say my maternal grandmother wasn't so maternal, and was lacking greatly in the mother role she was given. Having said that, it means so much more to me that my mom is who she is. No mother has an instruction manual on how to raise her kids, so mostly she looks to the way she was raised. I am thankful that she didn't. My mom surpassed her own mother in so many ways in being a loving, caring and compassionate mother. Some mothers don't earn the title, "mom" and hers didn't. I believe she has tried very hard to do what her mother didn't, and she has succeeded.

And she has taught me how to be a mom. And a good woman. My mom is the strongest woman I know. And as life has handed me my own set of problems, I have realized that, whether it's genetics or learned, she has passed down to me, some of that unshakable strength. For that I am also grateful. My mom has had some obstacles in her life that would tear apart some people. The biggest is losing my brother when he was very young. Her faith in God and her love for me kept her going when alot would have turned the other direction. I also know that by losing my brother, she knows the value of the day, that not every day is guaranteed, that this breath could be your last. I think back to when I ran wild and cannot imagine how much she worried when I stayed out late. But I also know that her placing such a high value on life, is what made her love me when I was unlovable. It is what kept her from turning her back on me when alot of mothers would have thrown up their hands and said, "Enough".

My mom has a great sense of humor, which she also passed on, and a genuine love for people. She hasn't just been a mother to her three kids, but she is a mother to the motherless and a nana to the ones that are without. She loves children and sees all of them with the same value whether they are hers or not. She has been a children's worker at our church for so long, and I know that even when she sometimes gets tired of it, she is grateful for the times when she sees a young child grasping the concept that God loves them, or a retention of a Bible story. I know that she is rewarded now, and will be rewarded greatly in Heaven for the time that she has invested into each of those little hearts.

And without my mom, I have no idea where I would be. I know there have been times that she felt absolutely helpless when it came to getting me "fixed". But I also know that in those times, she did the best thing she could for me. She pleaded with her Father, my Father, our Father in heaven to do what she could not. To protect me when she couldn't, to comfort me when she didn't know how, to guide me and lead me because I wasn't listening to her and to love me when she didn't know how. And by doing that, it allowed the right changes to be made instead of temporary ones.

I love my mom so much. I can't stand to think of my life without her. I talked to a friend yesterday who was having an obviously hard time with Mother's Day because she lost her mom some years ago. For those that had a best friend in their mother, like she did, like I do, and they have lost that due to death, my heart breaks for them. I know that day will come and I will be sad. But I have promised my mom that we will have a party of sorts instead of a grief stricken time of mourning. For one, my mom deserves a party to honor her, and we also both know that we will only be seperated a short period of time. There will be a day when my whole immediate family will be reunited in heaven with our Creator, and each other. I know she looks forward to the day that she will see Andy again, and that alone is worth celebrating while we are still here on earth.

Mom, I know you are probably crying by now. I hope they are tears of joy, pride and happiness. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being a mom to my husband who is without a mom. Thank you for being a great Nana to Jared. Thank you, most of all, for showing me God when I could not find him myself. I ask him all the time to wrap his arms around me and comfort me. Sometimes I get upset with him because I cannot feel it. And then you come along, and I realize you are his arms. I love you. And I am so proud to be your daughter.

I love you forever. I like you for always. And forever your baby I will be (or something like that)

Nae

No vacation

Oh, I forgot to mention that after that last post I decided to stay in town after all. And the great thing about that is that God meets us anywhere we are. Truth is, He is always there, we are the ones that have to show up for the meeting. And as nice as it would have been to sit by the water and have some alone time with God, he met me on the softball field tonight. And he will be waiting for me tonight when I lay my head down. And he will speak to me through the children that I will be teaching tomorrow. He is always there.....I am deciding to show up. There. And there. And there.

Hebrews 13:5

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" Hebrews 13:5

I am sure everyone, at some point, has felt abandoned. Alone. Forsaken. One week ago I was at that place. I felt so alone, betrayed, confused and depressed. I am an open book, usually one that can adequately explain what I feel and think, and yet I am at loss for words on exactly how I felt forsaken. Forsaken by people in my life and by God. I felt as though I had no one. Yet in at that place I realized, after time, that I did have God. And although I felt like I was in a living hell, I realized that Hell would be different because there would be no God, felt or unfelt. In Hell, he will not be there.
Here I am thinking that I have come so far in my spiritual walk that I feel, now, ashamed of how I felt then, a week ago. Because I wanted to die. And yet I am here. God pulled me through again...out of another pit. In the midst of my pain, I did think of the apostle Paul who was put in prison and could sing praises to God despite his circumstances. I can say, that even though I wasn't cursing God, I sure was not singing praise to him. I honestly thought about it, wanted to, but just did not have it in me. I was broken. Completely broken. I was hurt. And I was mad. And I said and did things that did not portray a very Christ like attitude. I acted out out of pain and betrayal. So, again, I am realizing that I have a long way to go.
But I am thankful for his protection of me from myself. And I am so thankful for his grace and mercy, which was extended to me by Him through people that I will never see again. People that I'm sure never even knew they were being used by God to bring some hope to me.
Which leads me to thinking how important it is for us, who call ourselves Christians to be kind to others. We never know when someone may be experiencing their own version of a living hell, and how our kindness may save them, literally save their lives. Kindness being a word or encouragement, a word of hope or even a smile and a wink. For me it was being offered a sip of water like the Samaritan woman at the well. It really is the little things.
I am more thankful today, than last week for my faith in God. He restores me, heals my brokeness and offers a hope. It is well with my soul.
And I hope the next time I am in a proverbial prison, I can sing praises to Him despite my circumstances. That is my goal. To be like Paul, who was like Christ, who is God.

Faith is believing in something you can't see, explain or feel right?
My faith in God is what is getting me through right now. Because I am sure not feeling good about things. I sure can't see the outcome. And for the life of me I cannot explain my life to anyone right now.
I have debated all week whether to go on a trip that I was supposed to take with my husband. It looks like I will be going....alone. I am hoping that I will meet God there for a little one on one time. That he will speak to my heart and my mind and give me the restoration and relaxation that I have desperately needed for a long time.
And I am going to try to not feel guilty about it. I have other commitments here in town, that I will surely be thinking about. I just hope that everyone understands that sometimes we have to make ourselves a priority. And this weekend is the time for me to do that.
Please pray for me this weekend as you think about it. Pray that God will grant me a peace that "transcends all understanding". Peace is something I have lived without for so long.

Trusting Him

Today I am really having to trust God alot. To take care of me, to protect me and to have my best intentions in mind. I have to trust him with my present and my future. I have to trust him enough to not play god myself.
Please pray for me that it will be easy.

The past and the future

Transferred post from New Years

Monday, January 05, 2009


"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, becuase God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" Romans 5:1-5
I guess I will do what everyone else seems to be doing. Almost everyone I know has written a blog about what has happened in their lives in the last year, and what they are looking forward to in the year to come. When I decided to do this as well, my mind was scattered. To say the last year has been crazy, would be an understatement and would not to the word "crazy" any justice.
The above passage is what was preached on in today's sermon. And it was exactly what was needed, because this past year has left me hopeless at times. It has been filled with many sorrows, deaths, trials, financial burdens and heartache. But I stand here today because I survived it all. That is by the grace of God. It is also because I have so many people in my life that have interceded on my behalf to our loving Father, when I was too weak, confused or hurt to pray for myself and my situation. I thank those of you, and you know who you are. My life has literally depended on those pleas and prayers. God heard you and anwered you, and because we often do not know the result of our prayers, I want to let you know that they mattered.
This year has made me question alot of things. Mostly, because I am my own worst critic, and often analyze everything, including myself, to pieces. Some things have been questioned by others. My faith has come into question. My moral code has been questioned. My sobriety and sanity have had their share too. What I know for sure is this....I am not the same person I was last year at this time. And with HOPE I will not be the same next year. In the sermon today at church, it was said, that no matter what we have been through in the last year, that it has prepared us for what is to come in the year ahead. I thank God. To know that all I have been through has not been in vain, is cause for celebration. If I learned just one thing out of every problem or struggle, then praise be to Him. And I believe I have. I know I have.
I know I am a strong person. I know this because God doesn't give us anything (temptations) that he doesn't equip us to get out of. And I know God has allowed alot to happen to me. I also know that I am strong, because people keep telling me I am. At times, this is not what I want to hear, because it usually comes in the midst of grief and sorrow, and has not allowed the pity party that I was throwing for myself. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People tell you you are strong, and you feel an obligation to not let them down. Even when I didn't want to hear it, it has been an encouragement.
This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. For those of you who know me, and know of the struggles I have encountered, you know that at times I was barely hanging on. I really just had no clue what to do, how to be or where to turn. And this is so unlike me. I am usually decisive and firm in what I know and do. I think now, that maybe I had to get myself out of the way so that God could do what he needed to do. And that is what I constantly have to do...get rid of myself.
In the midst of the troubles, there have also been reasons to celebrate. I turned 28 this past year. My son turned 10 and my husband, 35. I celebrated a two year anniversary this past September (whew, two down), made and renewed commitments to the Lord, have been in fairly good health, have a growing business and have made new friends and restored friendships that were what appeared to be hopeless.
Speaking of which...I have this friend now....for the last four years we have been at odds. And it came to an all out "fight" this year. Couldn't stand her. Reasoned with myself that it was her fault, surely not mine. But the Lord has a fuuny way of working sometimes. And about a month or so after we had our brawl, we started talking. And now we are the best of friends. I speak to her every morning, and my day seems to be lacking if that conversation, no matter how brief, doesn't happen. And there are no accidents. She not only has been a friend, but some much needed support in the hardest few months of my life. It surely was God working, because both of us had to "get ourselves out of the way" to let him work. And he has, and that is one more reason to be thankful. I am positive that she and I will spend eternity together, but it's nice to know we can get along while here on earth too. :)
Sorry...a little side note...now back to where I was going...God is good. All the time. He doesn't change. He is the same today, as he was yesterday, as he was ten or a thousand years ago, and he will be the same in the future too. It's a promise I count on. Sometimes I forget. I am the one who changes, tossed around by the circumstances in my life. But he never changes. He is the alpha and omega, beginning and end. He is good, merciful, just, loving, protecting, loyal, father, friend, all-knowing, all-powerful. And he just IS. And he cares about me.
"For I know the plans I have for you" declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....Jeremiah 29:11
God has plans for ME. Can you imagine how comforting that is. When tomorrow is a big question mark, the future in seemingly unknown, there is a PLAN. I am not in control. Sure I make decisions from one day to the next, but I am working on HIS plan. I don't have to be in control. This is extremely hard for me. I have had so many things done TO me, that I decided a long time ago (unconsiously I believe) that I would not LET those things happen any more. But they have. No matter how much my hand was in any particular situation, or how much control I thought I had, I didn't. Really crappy things still happened. To me, by me. Either way. But I have a hope in knowing that God is in control. He has a plan.
Another verse that has meant alot to me this year is this one:"Therefore, I urge you brothers (and sisters, you), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2
Now, part of that comes easy to me I think. The "do not conform" part. In some ways, I think I have always marched to my own beat. I think differently than alot of people. I see things where some do not. I am transparent to a fault at times. Honest too much sometimes. However, how to apply this in a Godly way has been a challenge. Seeing things differently isn't hard for me. Seeing them God's way is hard. And requires alot.
I know I have spent some time rambling. And being a little vague. Without knowing every detail of my past year, I hope that I have given you a glimpse of what I have learned and achieved. I have hope, offered by our Lord Jesus Christ. That is all that really matters. My problems are different from yours anyway. But our Lord can be the same Lord. We can all use that hope.
In the year 2009, I have some goals. I want to know God better. It's not about resolutions, do's and don'ts. It is about a relationship. One that has at times been very one-sided (my bad). It's a friendship like no other. One involving communication, commitment, time, effort, faith, hope, love. That is the kind of relationship I strive for.
I have some tangible ones though. I want to get healthier. Lose weight, quit smoking, have a better emotional well being. I want to get a job (have an interview on Tue), and/or get my business growing, start volunteering at the Greensboro Pregnancy Care Center in some way. Be a better wife. Be a better mom. Be a better everything. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither has been my life. But...there is hope.

developing perseverance

Transferred post

Saturday, February 21, 2009


I have been attending a Bible study on Monday nights for a while now. We are currently studying Jesus: his life, his purpose, his role as both God and man. We have been learning and discussing why those two roles are so important. As a man, he faced all of the same things we do. He was passionate. He was caring. He was also tempted. And I think that is very important to know. When faced with temptation in the desert, Jesus combatted Satan with the Word. He didn't have to defend himself in any other way. That was it. The Word of God was sufficient in defending the blows that satan was HOPING to land. And Jesus was not in the best shape. He had been in the desert for forty days and forty nights, without food and water, he was fasting. This fast was immediately after his baptism. He had just been baptized, as a human. After the baptism, he got affirmation from his Father. "This is my son, whom I love, with him I am well pleased". (Matthew 3:17). This is also important to know. This was a huge spiritual event in Jesus' life. And so Jesus was in the desert, hungry, weak and fully man when Satan approached him and offered him a range of things that would sound very appealing to the flesh, the human Jesus. And Jesus retaliated with the word. I have found often in my own life, that Satan operates, with us, just like he did with Jesus in the desert. He waits for us to be on a "spiritual high", when we are most threatening to him, and then he attacks us. He is stealthy, manipulative and cunning. "Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) When we are living for this world and not for God, we are no threat to Satan. However, when we proclaim our faith in him, he sees this as very threatening, and he will do all he can to cause us to stumble, trip up. I have had a fabulous year so far. To date, I believe, 2009 has been my best year. It has offered hope, refreshed dreams, happiness and love. Some pretty monumental things have happened in only a short period of time. For that I am thankful. Satan is not. He is constantly trying to trip me up. So I will do what I know to do, by Jesus example. I will proclaim the Word, the Bible's living word, new as today as it was yesterday.I have hope, because the Lord says: "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." Jeremiah 29:11I also know that ALL things will work out because he promises this: "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28I know he planned me. "You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too lofty and wonderful for me to attain." Psalm 139:5-6 and also "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, you saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:15-16I know that people who don't always have my best interest in mind, don't stop God from pursuing HIS best interest: "But Joseph said to them, 'Don't be afraid. Am I not in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives..." Genesis 50:19-20I know that those same people are acting under a different authority: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" Ephesians 6:12And I know that I am a better person for having gone through each trial, tribulation and defeat. I have learned alot, about life, God and myself. I am a better mother, wife, daughter, friend and person because of each hurdle. My spiritual life is stronger. My marriage is stronger. My relationships are stronger. I am more focused on what is important and what is not. I am learning not to "sweat the small stuff" and learning to ask myself "Will this matter in ten years?". Sometimes I wonder if it will even matter in ten minutes. And sometimes it is hard to answer that question with an affirmative "NO" because things seem so big when they are in front of your face. But my God is bigger than anything that can be thrown at me. He's bigger than any insult. He's bigger than any problem. He is bigger than any lie. He is big enough to defend me. I am his. "Humble yourself before the Lord and he will lift you up" James 4:10"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

I am on purpose

Another transferred post:

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.Before a word in on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there;if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will on me fast.If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.When I awake, I am still with you.If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me you bloodthirsty men!They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you?I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I am a sinner

Another transferred post:

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Oh, where to start?I just deleted a previous blog that I has posted to defend myself. I've realized since posting it, that it didn't prove anything. People that know me, don't think any differently of me for it, and the people that don't know me don't either obviously. I feel the constant need to defend myself. This is something I am working on. I know that I had every right to be "righteously angry" about what happened in the last week. But I know the truth, the other party knows the truth, and more importantly God knows the truth. There is nothing I can say or do to change the events in the last week. There is nothing I can say or do to change the past either, whether it be two weeks ago, four months ago or seven years ago. And I sure cannot take responsibility for a past that is not even my own. What I do know is this...I am free of my past. Free of it. I heard a sermon once saying that in the Old Testament when someone had a debt, and then repayed the debt that there was a note put on their doorpost saying that the debt had been paid in full. Well, there is a proverbial note on my forehead. All my past mistakes are paid for. They are never to be revisited. God has forgiven me for them and over time I have learned to forgive myself. By not acknowledging that, I would be saying that it was a mistake for my savior, Jesus Christ to go to the cross, that it was not worth it. That God really screwed up. But he didn't. I will tell you what Jesus wore on the cross for me. He wore every lie I ever told. He wore every drug I ever took. He wore every unholy sexual encounter that I participated in. He wore every judgement I made against someone else. He put on the hatred that I carried. He carried the guilt that I put on myself and was put on me by others. He wore self-hate. He wore the gossip and the cruelty. He put on the depression. He wore every disrespectful thing I did to my parents. He put every sin I ever committed on himself. He wore it as his own, a completely perfect person, made himself like me on that cross so that I would not have to live a life and die a death of condemnation. But God also loves me enough to not be done with me. Every sin I have committed has had consequences. Some were immediate and some evolved over time. I had relationships to mend. I had apologies to be made to people that I hurt. I have a son that was born out of a bad decision. And the consequences of raising a son in a seperated home has so many ramifications. Btu I also know that God has taught me so much, even in letting me reap what I have sown over the years.I never take for granted that I wake up in the morning and breathe in air. Over the years I have put myself in countless situations that I should or could have never made it out of (don't freak out MOM). God protected me. I have been in the muddy, dark pit so many times in my life that I didn't want to go on, didn't want to take another breath, pleaded to God to take me off this earth. I am so thankful that he didn't. And because he hasn't, I realize there is a good reason. He is not done with me yet. When I take my final breath on this earth, I will know that I have come to accomplish whatever task God had set out for me even before my existence. Until then, I will keep searching, keep learning, keep growing.....and keep asking for forgiveness. If there comes a point when I think I've made it, that I'm not making any mistakes, not committing any sins, I will know there is trouble. God brings things to my attention all the time to let me know I have work to do. I just thank him that he doesn't do it all at one time, or I'm sure I would be like a crashed computer. I have had a truly blessed day. And I just wanted to share some thoughts. Thanks for reading and I hope that you realize your blessings....there are many.

Do you believe I am who I say that I am

Mom wanted me to transfer my blogs from myspace to here. This was posted the week after Easter:


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I have been meaning to get on here and post since Sunday, but things have been crazy.I had a wonderful Easter this year. It meant alot more to me this year than in years past. I seem to recognize the significance of Jesus' sacrifice in a way that I never have before. I have long realized that Jesus died for me and my sins, to award me a place in heaven, by just believing in him and asking for forgivess. But for whatever reason, this year it meant so much more. Maybe it was because 08 was by far the hardest year of my life. Without my faith in God, and my salvation, I am not sure where I would be now. The year tested me and tempted me in so many ways. But I can confidently say that I made it through, that I was PULLED through. Strength came from a place completely outside of myself. I can also say that I consider the year to be a stepping stone, a growing experience, a refining. I am not the person I was a year ago. Not by a long shot.The sermon on Easter was about whether you trust Jesus to be who he says he is. He asks this question of Martha after Lazarus dies. Little does she know that Jesus will raise Lazarus from the dead. John 11:25 says: 25Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" Martha had a second to answer this question, like so many of us do. She answered that yes, she did believe him to be "Christ,[b] the Son of God, who was to come into the world". She could have wavered. She could have hesitated. But she didn't. And Lazarus, her brother, was raised from the dead.Oh, and I should mention that earlier in the conversation she blamed Jesus for her brother's death, saying that if only Jesus had been there, Lazarus wouldn't have died in the first place.So many times Jesus has asked me, "do you believe me?". Honestly, there have been countless times that I have said "nope". I continued on my own path, trying to make things better all on my own (even sometimes after blaming him in the first place). Which is funny to me, now, to think that I could do a better job than him, making my life better.So Jesus will continue to ask me/us "Do you believe this", that he is who he says he is. He is the Son of God, our friend, our Comfortor, our Brother, our Savior.We must always answer "YES"When the economy stinks...YES When marriage is hard...YES When kids don't act the way you think they should...YES When you are facing health issues...YESWhen you lose someone you love....YES When a spouse cheats....YES When you are overcoming a sin....YES When you just can't stand to even look at yourself....YES When you just aren't sure which direction life is going...YES And I mention the tough times because that it is when it is harder to answer that question with a yes. When things are peachy, you are FEELING blessed, everything is looking up...it is then it is very easy to say "Yep, Jesus died for me and he is all that he says he is". It is then that we thank God for all he does. We should equally recognize God when things aren't so peachy. No matter what the circumstances are, you can always and should always answer YES. Jesus is there waiting on you to answer. He is waiting on me to answer. He is waiting on us to believe that he is who he says is, who he IS.My Redeemer LIVES.

Right to Life

A little over 11 years ago, when I was only 17, I found out I was pregnant. I had just quit high school. That is another story in itself. After telling my mom that I was pregnant, she sought the counsel of our pastor, Pastor Buddy Rampey. I met with him and we discussed a few things, and he asked if I would be open to going to talk to a counselor at the Greenboro Pregnancy Care Center (it was a different name then that I cannot for the life of me remember). I agreed and one morning he took me there.

The GPCC is a non-profit organization that counsels, helps and guides those that find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy. I really had no idea what to expect there, but what I found there was warmth. For one, it is not in a clinical type environment. It is in an older house right on the outside of downtown Greensboro. One of those older houses that is being used for commercial purposes like so many on that road. But by being in a house you didn't feel like you were going into a sterile, cold doctor's office. And it's not a doctor's office. I'm not even sure they have any doctor's there. What they do have is a lot of people that genuinely care about people: girls, women, boys, men - and the babies these people create. Notice I say "babies" because they believe life starts at conception. However, I never felt pressured to believe what they believe or to do as they desired me to do.

Now having said all of that, I was probably different than most cases that walk through their doors. Although I was young and pregnant, like many, I had never considered abortion. NEVER. I was raised in a church that valued the sanctity of life. I had stood on street curbs holding up signs saying as much. I also had the support of so many people. At the time, the baby's father and I were still together. I had my parents, who were not wild about their teenage daughter being pregnant, but were supportive nonetheless. And although at the time I went to GPCC no one from the church knew I was pregnant, I somehow knew that they would love me and love my baby no matter what. I believe that I was taken to GPCC to kind of air out my thoughts and feelings, concerns and fears, and possibly to consider adoption. But that really wasn't an option for me either. It is something I knew I couldn't emotionally do.

My son is now 10, almost 11. He is a wonderful, amazing, intelligent, caring, funny, awesome, soft hearted kid. He is the gift that God promised me he would be, as every child is.

I tell all of this, because it is the time of year for GPCC to have their fundraising walk. And I am a dingbat and can't remember if it's "walk for life" or "right to life walk". Whatever...not important. They use this fundraiser to get monies to keep their doors open. They are one of the few pregnancy care centers to offer ultrasound imaging to their clients. And of course, by seeing the life within, this drastically reduced the number of clients that leave and later have abortions elsewhere. They are trying to offer the latest technology to battle this war that started with Roe v. Wade.

I am confident that God is using this organization, these people, this house to reach people. And it's not all about saving the babies. Some of the women and girls that go into this place have no smiling faces, hugs, comfort or reassurance offered to them by anyone else. Having an unplanned pregnancy is scary. Having a warm smile and a kind word offered to you goes a long way.

I have placed a widget on the side of my blog with my fundraising info. Although the walk is this weekend, April 25, the donations will be accepted through July 25. You can click on the widget or go to http://www.firstgiving.com/reneerodriguez , and see my status, my fundraising goals, a picture of my beautiful son, Jared and other info. Whatever you can donate to this cause will go a long way. God has the power to turn any offering into a grand one. I'm sure the boy with the loaves of bread and the fish never would have thought his lunch would feed 5000 + people. But God has a way of stretching what we give to advance and glorify his kingdom.

I thank you in advance for whatever you are able to give.

New to the Blog World

I just wanted to post to kind of introduce myself. The people that will read this initially already know me, everything about me in fact. I am an open book. I have been told I am very "transparent". I am not sure that is always such a good thing. I am new to Blogspot, although I have posted some blogs on Myspace and Facebook. Once again, I am transparent, and you can find my profiles there as well, because they are public. But I wanted to blog and reach people that may not want the hassle of creating a Facebook or Myspace account. My mom, "bless her heart", is all up on technology and has profiles on both of those sites. My father did have one, but then forgot the password and email that he used to create it. So if you find him out there and he doesn't respond to you, don't take it personal.


Anyway. This blog will be about my walk with Christ, mostly. I live in this world, and for now have to deal with the same stuff that everyone else does. But I choose to look at it through a different lense than the majority of the world. I try, and this is getting easier, to see things as God would see them. I have to continually ask for his help in this matter, because I am a sinner. I was born that way. We all are. But I hope every day to get a little closer to who he wants me to be, and that is a person that resembles his Son.

So, that is that. Don't know how often I will post, or if it will even interest the common reader. My mom and dad may very well be the only ones that ever read my stuff. And that is ok with me. My only goal in blogging is to help people see that God doesn't always fit in the box that people create for Him. He usually surprises and amazes, and is never a cookie cutter god. I hope that the people that don't know him, see him when they hear me talking about my experiences as a Christian. God is GOOD all the time!