The past and the future

Transferred post from New Years

Monday, January 05, 2009


"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, becuase God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" Romans 5:1-5
I guess I will do what everyone else seems to be doing. Almost everyone I know has written a blog about what has happened in their lives in the last year, and what they are looking forward to in the year to come. When I decided to do this as well, my mind was scattered. To say the last year has been crazy, would be an understatement and would not to the word "crazy" any justice.
The above passage is what was preached on in today's sermon. And it was exactly what was needed, because this past year has left me hopeless at times. It has been filled with many sorrows, deaths, trials, financial burdens and heartache. But I stand here today because I survived it all. That is by the grace of God. It is also because I have so many people in my life that have interceded on my behalf to our loving Father, when I was too weak, confused or hurt to pray for myself and my situation. I thank those of you, and you know who you are. My life has literally depended on those pleas and prayers. God heard you and anwered you, and because we often do not know the result of our prayers, I want to let you know that they mattered.
This year has made me question alot of things. Mostly, because I am my own worst critic, and often analyze everything, including myself, to pieces. Some things have been questioned by others. My faith has come into question. My moral code has been questioned. My sobriety and sanity have had their share too. What I know for sure is this....I am not the same person I was last year at this time. And with HOPE I will not be the same next year. In the sermon today at church, it was said, that no matter what we have been through in the last year, that it has prepared us for what is to come in the year ahead. I thank God. To know that all I have been through has not been in vain, is cause for celebration. If I learned just one thing out of every problem or struggle, then praise be to Him. And I believe I have. I know I have.
I know I am a strong person. I know this because God doesn't give us anything (temptations) that he doesn't equip us to get out of. And I know God has allowed alot to happen to me. I also know that I am strong, because people keep telling me I am. At times, this is not what I want to hear, because it usually comes in the midst of grief and sorrow, and has not allowed the pity party that I was throwing for myself. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People tell you you are strong, and you feel an obligation to not let them down. Even when I didn't want to hear it, it has been an encouragement.
This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. For those of you who know me, and know of the struggles I have encountered, you know that at times I was barely hanging on. I really just had no clue what to do, how to be or where to turn. And this is so unlike me. I am usually decisive and firm in what I know and do. I think now, that maybe I had to get myself out of the way so that God could do what he needed to do. And that is what I constantly have to do...get rid of myself.
In the midst of the troubles, there have also been reasons to celebrate. I turned 28 this past year. My son turned 10 and my husband, 35. I celebrated a two year anniversary this past September (whew, two down), made and renewed commitments to the Lord, have been in fairly good health, have a growing business and have made new friends and restored friendships that were what appeared to be hopeless.
Speaking of which...I have this friend now....for the last four years we have been at odds. And it came to an all out "fight" this year. Couldn't stand her. Reasoned with myself that it was her fault, surely not mine. But the Lord has a fuuny way of working sometimes. And about a month or so after we had our brawl, we started talking. And now we are the best of friends. I speak to her every morning, and my day seems to be lacking if that conversation, no matter how brief, doesn't happen. And there are no accidents. She not only has been a friend, but some much needed support in the hardest few months of my life. It surely was God working, because both of us had to "get ourselves out of the way" to let him work. And he has, and that is one more reason to be thankful. I am positive that she and I will spend eternity together, but it's nice to know we can get along while here on earth too. :)
Sorry...a little side note...now back to where I was going...God is good. All the time. He doesn't change. He is the same today, as he was yesterday, as he was ten or a thousand years ago, and he will be the same in the future too. It's a promise I count on. Sometimes I forget. I am the one who changes, tossed around by the circumstances in my life. But he never changes. He is the alpha and omega, beginning and end. He is good, merciful, just, loving, protecting, loyal, father, friend, all-knowing, all-powerful. And he just IS. And he cares about me.
"For I know the plans I have for you" declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....Jeremiah 29:11
God has plans for ME. Can you imagine how comforting that is. When tomorrow is a big question mark, the future in seemingly unknown, there is a PLAN. I am not in control. Sure I make decisions from one day to the next, but I am working on HIS plan. I don't have to be in control. This is extremely hard for me. I have had so many things done TO me, that I decided a long time ago (unconsiously I believe) that I would not LET those things happen any more. But they have. No matter how much my hand was in any particular situation, or how much control I thought I had, I didn't. Really crappy things still happened. To me, by me. Either way. But I have a hope in knowing that God is in control. He has a plan.
Another verse that has meant alot to me this year is this one:"Therefore, I urge you brothers (and sisters, you), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2
Now, part of that comes easy to me I think. The "do not conform" part. In some ways, I think I have always marched to my own beat. I think differently than alot of people. I see things where some do not. I am transparent to a fault at times. Honest too much sometimes. However, how to apply this in a Godly way has been a challenge. Seeing things differently isn't hard for me. Seeing them God's way is hard. And requires alot.
I know I have spent some time rambling. And being a little vague. Without knowing every detail of my past year, I hope that I have given you a glimpse of what I have learned and achieved. I have hope, offered by our Lord Jesus Christ. That is all that really matters. My problems are different from yours anyway. But our Lord can be the same Lord. We can all use that hope.
In the year 2009, I have some goals. I want to know God better. It's not about resolutions, do's and don'ts. It is about a relationship. One that has at times been very one-sided (my bad). It's a friendship like no other. One involving communication, commitment, time, effort, faith, hope, love. That is the kind of relationship I strive for.
I have some tangible ones though. I want to get healthier. Lose weight, quit smoking, have a better emotional well being. I want to get a job (have an interview on Tue), and/or get my business growing, start volunteering at the Greensboro Pregnancy Care Center in some way. Be a better wife. Be a better mom. Be a better everything. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither has been my life. But...there is hope.