I am a sinner

Another transferred post:

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Oh, where to start?I just deleted a previous blog that I has posted to defend myself. I've realized since posting it, that it didn't prove anything. People that know me, don't think any differently of me for it, and the people that don't know me don't either obviously. I feel the constant need to defend myself. This is something I am working on. I know that I had every right to be "righteously angry" about what happened in the last week. But I know the truth, the other party knows the truth, and more importantly God knows the truth. There is nothing I can say or do to change the events in the last week. There is nothing I can say or do to change the past either, whether it be two weeks ago, four months ago or seven years ago. And I sure cannot take responsibility for a past that is not even my own. What I do know is this...I am free of my past. Free of it. I heard a sermon once saying that in the Old Testament when someone had a debt, and then repayed the debt that there was a note put on their doorpost saying that the debt had been paid in full. Well, there is a proverbial note on my forehead. All my past mistakes are paid for. They are never to be revisited. God has forgiven me for them and over time I have learned to forgive myself. By not acknowledging that, I would be saying that it was a mistake for my savior, Jesus Christ to go to the cross, that it was not worth it. That God really screwed up. But he didn't. I will tell you what Jesus wore on the cross for me. He wore every lie I ever told. He wore every drug I ever took. He wore every unholy sexual encounter that I participated in. He wore every judgement I made against someone else. He put on the hatred that I carried. He carried the guilt that I put on myself and was put on me by others. He wore self-hate. He wore the gossip and the cruelty. He put on the depression. He wore every disrespectful thing I did to my parents. He put every sin I ever committed on himself. He wore it as his own, a completely perfect person, made himself like me on that cross so that I would not have to live a life and die a death of condemnation. But God also loves me enough to not be done with me. Every sin I have committed has had consequences. Some were immediate and some evolved over time. I had relationships to mend. I had apologies to be made to people that I hurt. I have a son that was born out of a bad decision. And the consequences of raising a son in a seperated home has so many ramifications. Btu I also know that God has taught me so much, even in letting me reap what I have sown over the years.I never take for granted that I wake up in the morning and breathe in air. Over the years I have put myself in countless situations that I should or could have never made it out of (don't freak out MOM). God protected me. I have been in the muddy, dark pit so many times in my life that I didn't want to go on, didn't want to take another breath, pleaded to God to take me off this earth. I am so thankful that he didn't. And because he hasn't, I realize there is a good reason. He is not done with me yet. When I take my final breath on this earth, I will know that I have come to accomplish whatever task God had set out for me even before my existence. Until then, I will keep searching, keep learning, keep growing.....and keep asking for forgiveness. If there comes a point when I think I've made it, that I'm not making any mistakes, not committing any sins, I will know there is trouble. God brings things to my attention all the time to let me know I have work to do. I just thank him that he doesn't do it all at one time, or I'm sure I would be like a crashed computer. I have had a truly blessed day. And I just wanted to share some thoughts. Thanks for reading and I hope that you realize your blessings....there are many.