Better or Bitter?

I was asked not too long ago whether my husband and/or marriage had made me bitter. The answer to that question could very well be "yes", but I am thankful that it is not. As I mentioned, the time that immediately followed me calling it "quits" I was bitter. But it was not a lasting feeling. And alot of those feelings were towards God rather than my husband. It was a short season, one in which I made many mistakes. Given to me to do over again, I'd like to think I'd do things differently, but I can't imagine that pain being any different, or my faith being shaken any differently, so I imagine my response would be the same. That is just honest.

I met my husband five years ago next month. It wasn't the best time in my life, nor was it the worst. I had been partying but I wasn't depressed, even though I have dealt with that on and off my whole life. We moved into a serious relationship very quickly and I gave my heart away faster than I should. We moved in with one another a year later and were married six months after that, being together about a year and a half. I can look back now, and have even told him, that I am responsible for us getting married. Of course he had a say so, but I was pressured to marry him. I had made a mistake by living with him, felt convicted by my beliefs way more than I ever thought I would, and thought the best way to fix it was to get married.

I quickly learned that I had made a mistake. But what was I to do? Of all the things that have happened in three years since we married, I hold more blame toward myself than anyone. He was the same the day we seperated as he was the day I married him. I had no illusions of the kind of person he was. I knew full well what I was getting myself into, and went on anyway. And I didn't have the misconstrued notion that I could change him. I did believe that he could change. I knew it would be up to God. Had I not married him, or waited I would have seen that he didn't want to change, and God never forces our hand. It is up to us. But one thing he had going for him, was boy, could he play the game. He played along for three years and is still playing today. But after I was married, I was dedicacated to making it work, doing all that I needed, changing myself for the better, being the wife I was biblically called to be. It was my mistake, and I was determined to fix it. I had taken an oath before my family and God to do just that. I believed and still do that marriage is for life.

Before I give all the details I need to say a couple things. First, I did love him. I wanted to see him change. I wanted to help him change. I wanted him to see the changes in me, the relationship I had with God, and want to change for himself. We had fun together. More than anyone else I had been with, I laughed the hardest. I talked and opened myself up the most. I invested. We shared our goals and dreams. We talked and planned for the future. He was at times very caring. And I think alot of it, well, honestly, just had to do with me. Not to toot my own horn, but if I had acted differently, not as open, I'm not sure we would have had even that good stuff. Because in reality, he's selfish. If he had been given nothing to start with, I'm not sure I would have ever seen the good side.

Because most of what I saw was the bad stuff. We weren't married three months yet, when we called the pastor that had married us and asked him to counsel us. Now, there are probably a million different opinions on what constitutes "cheating". I have my ideas, have always maintained the same opinion. Whether he (I'll just keep referrring to him as he) agreed with them or not, he knew exactly what I thought about the matter. I had never tiptoed around the topic. I had always told him, I was in it for life, and one sure fired way to make sure I left would be to cheat on me. And within three months of the "I do's" he had done it. I found pictures of half naked girls and profiles from a member site in the temporary internet files of his computer.

Without going into every detail of the low's of our marriage, I will say that it was not my finest moment when ever I resorted to searching through computer files, phone records, text messages, etc. I had NEVER been the jealous girlfriend before. I had never had a reason to. I won't say that every man I met was the pillar of society, or that they were all great. BUT I can say that not a one of them ever disrespected me. Maybe we broke up before they felt the urge, or they just had enough genuine respect for me not to do it. Not him. I was disrespected at every turn. And I really started to hate the woman that I had become. I felt like one of those crazed psychopaths that is constantly digging for info. And even when I wasn't digging I would find stuff, which then would start the search all over again to see if I had missed something. Like I said, not my finest moment. But my reasoning at the time, would I rather be a crazed, lunatic of a woman searching frantically for evidence of an affair, OR an ignorant pathetic sap of a woman that stood by and made excuses for herself and her husband, meanwhile him making her look like a fool and taking advantage of her. Okay. Well I decided to be Woman A. And I wish I could say that I was being paranoid. But my gut instinct never failed me. I would always find something. Which would start a fight of why I was looking in the first place, to which I would respond that for once I'd like not to find something. And the argument continued in circles....blah blah blah.

I will also say that if he had ever been honest with me, things could have turned out drastically different. But every time he was confronted with an issue, he would deny it. He would lie about it. He would come up with huge, detailed, extravagant stories to back up his lies. And one listening would think, "how could someone lie so big?". Truthfully, I never full heartedly believed his stories, but sometimes there would be enough truth to make me at least sway towards believing him. And I wanted to. I mean, Lord, who wants to think they are married to a pathological liar? Because although I said I knew what I was getting into when I married him, that is mostly true. I knew enough that I shouldn't have married him in the first place. But even that was only the tip of the iceberg. He knew how to play the game.

This is emotionally draining on me. I have chosen to relive it, to share it in hopes that I can help someone. But more so, it's therapeutic for me. I think and hope that it will provide closure for me. Somehow that me writing about it, putting it out for the whole world to see (and even him) will help me know that I'm done. It will remind me that I don't want to go there again. Because I don't. I can't. I've decided to stop with the story for now. I will pick up that again later.

But what I had learned to this point is important. Because I learned something that I never thought myself capable of doing. I forgave. For cheating. I forgave for lying. And I did those things knowing the truth but having never heard the truth come out of his mouth. Like I said, he would admit half truths, but usually what I had already known or suspected. I never got a tearful confession begging for forgiveness. But I gave it anyway. I'm not saying that staying with him was the best thing I could have done. But forgiving him, I know for sure, was. It was the best thing for ME, had nothing to do with him. It allowed me to see that God enables us to do the impossible. I had always said I would NEVER stay with a man that cheated on me. I would never even be able to THINK about forgiving him. And God showed me that it was possible. And I think that very early lesson is what has kept the long lasting bitterness away from me. Because I have even forgiven him now. And he still doesn't grasp what he has been forgiven for. And that's OK. I didn't forgive on my own though. It is my natural tendency to not forget things. I won't say that I haven't been a forgiving person my whole life, but when it came to that area, I just had always kinda said, "like, why bother?". I can't say that I have forgotten them today, otherwise this blog would be short. But I don't carry these things around with me everyday, allowing them to weigh me down with bitterness, hurt anger or betrayal. To this I say "like, why bother?". :)