A Look Back

I am wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I haven't posted in some time, for various reasons. There are many new things to be reported and pondered. I have been wanting to post for months, but wasn't quite sure how to say what I felt needed to be said. I'm glad I decided to wait. If I had written, my tone would have been completely different than the one I know I can use today. I went through a "dark" time a few months back, full of resentment, bitterness and anger and I would not have had a very positive outlook. But like all other times in my life, where the darkness creeps in, I have taken time to examine the situation and myself. And optimism returns. It has.
But for me to begin to even share what I hope for in the new year, I do kind of have to recap on the last year, and maybe even a few before that. I had not shared every detail of my life in the last few posts, because that is when the "tough" had started. I wanted to wait to see if things would turn around...once again, wanting to share the positive, and to protect someone else. And it's not that I don't care about protecting that person anymore, I just know it's no longer my job.

I had seperated from my husband back in April of '09. That is why I mentioned my living situation being a little difficult. And in that seperation, I had hoped that we would reconcile. At the end of July, I knew without a doubt there would be no reconciliation. We had seperated three times in three years of marriage each time me wanting to make it work, and doing everything possible to see that happen. And I always knew, that if things didn't change, there would be a point that I would just KNOW that it was over. That day happened in July. There were no tears. No tantrums. No pity parties (but believe me, I had plenty prior to that date). Just me deciding enough was enough. I had not taken my marriage lightly, nor the seperations, no the marriage counseling, or now the divorce.

And I will post more later about what I've been through in the last five years since I met my ex husband. And not so much what I've been through, because lots of women (and men) have been through those things. But more important is what I learned. The kind of person I became through it. The kind of lessons that I would hope to pass on to someone else in the same situation. But that is for later.

After I decided to call it "quits" in July, I moved on. Quickly. I started dating. And partying. The last four years of my life had not been fun. Not even remotely fun. Sure there were fun times, mingled in with all the greif. But I lost alot of myself in my marriage. So I went back to the "fun" I had before I got married. Really the only fun I was ever used to. And I met a guy. I started seeing him seriously, way too quickly. And I got pregnant.

And I could keep writing. From now until the end of the weekend....and still have stuff to say. I think I will quit here. But 2010 will hold many things for me. I will have the baby I have wanted for so long, ironic that my husband and I had tried very hard and just didn't happen. I will turn 30. My son will turn 12. I will continue to grow my business. I will strive everyday to be the person that God wants me to be. And what is great, is that even though I screwed up back in September, he has already forgiven me for that. Back in October. I am carrying a child, that was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, but have a peace about it. I know that God will bless this child, already has a plan for the child and the adult that he/she will become. I know this. Because it goes back to my favorite passage in the Bible. Psalm 139. And along with my baby, he has a plan for me too.

More to come.....maybe tomorrow.

What now?

Ok. So here's the deal. You find out that something big is planned. Maybe you find out months ahead, leaving you counting weeks and days until it happens. You wait patiently, or may be not so much for that day to come. And then the big event happens....and then what?

That is how my time has gone waiting for this surgery to happen. Because I am hoping that it will solve some if not all of my long lasting medical problems. The inability to sleep well, the fatigue during the day (duh), the weight gain, the migraines, etc, etc, etc. I have been so wound up waiting on the doctor's office, the insurance and the hospital to schedule me that it had me preoccupied and not thinking much about other things going on in my life. And to be honest that was a big blessing at the time. It was an appreciated distraction.

But now my surgery has come and gone. By the way, I am recovering nicely and eating here and there. No hamburgers or pizza yet, but I am not wasting away either. I am pretty much off the medicine except at night to help sleep, and during the day I feel human again. Thanks much for all of the prayers and well wishes. It is nice to know that people care.

I ask myself "what next?". There are so many things up in the air right now. I am in a temporary living situation. So there is the question of where I should be living, or should I be in a hurry to get there. How much money should I save before I even think about living elsewhere. I have been blessed abundantly with work lately, for which I am extremely thankful. I want to believe that I will continue to be blessed, but also don't want to take on the responsibility of a single income home with no promises that next month will be the same as the last month.

There are other factors involved with my living situation. For example, Jared just graduated fifth grade and will be going to big ole middle school next year. So not only have I pulled him out of his existing school district, I am doing it at a milestone in his life that could be a hard adjustment. I want to make sure that whatever school he is attending in the fall will be the best one for such transition.

I have so many questions. I won't say fears. Maybe I will call them "concerns". I have so many concerns about what will happen in the next few months. I know God is with me here, in this time of uncertainty, but I sure wish I could see down the road just a little ways to help know the decisions that need to be made today. I know he doesn't work that way, but it would be nice. I don't want to know EVERY little detail, but a little glimpse would be ok. At least to know that I am on the right track.

And there is another area of my life that is rocky. I won't go into that now, except to mention that I am really, totally at a loss at what to do. And this is not the first time that I felt that God's voice could just as easily be Satan's voice telling me what to do. It is one of those situations where God's will could go either way, and there definitely needs to be some clear instructions or directions given. And I'm not hearing anything. Nothing. Nada. I want so much to do what the Lord wants of me, even against my own desires and wants. I want to be in his will. I just don't hear anything right now. I desperately want answers.

Please pray for me. I don't lay my life out here to be entertainment. I do it to hopefully encourage and inspire. But I also feel that as Christians we sometimes keep things to ourselves because of pride or shame or guilt or embarassment, and that is the biggest tool of Satan. If we never share our burdens with another, then we can never receive prayer or encouragement or positive feedback. So that is another reason I put my life in the view of everyone. I ask earnestly for prayers. I need wisdom, and discernment and guidance, and protection from the enemy. And honestly I need to develop an even deeper yearning to find his purpose for my life. A growing desire to know God better. A rooted love for Him. I want to be wooed by Jesus. I want to fall in love with Him, to have an intimate relationship. Please pray with me and for me. Thank you in advance for any prayers you lift on my behalf.

With much sincerity,
Renee

Prayer Please

Hello everyone.
One week ago tomorrow I had surgery. I have not posted an update because there wasn't much to say and I have been a lil loopy. I try to rest, be still, sleep, and do as little as possible.

I would ask that you continue to pray for my recovery. When I said everyone had given me an "realistic" outlook, I was wrong. They were actually being pretty optimistic. The pain has been unbearable at times. Swallowing glass sounds more appealing than just swallowing my medicine. The medicine is liquid vicodin, and is helpful but I'm cautious with it. I don't want to take too much or become dependent on it. However, I do like the fact that it makes me feel better even for just a minute or fifteen. When my mom went to go get the refill, it was written on the paper work that it is "being taken too much". Oooooh. That got me. I told mom to take me to the pharmacy with her next time. I'll shine a flashlight at the back of my throat and then see what lil mr/ms. pill pants has to say about it then. I dare them to say it to my face.

No, in all seriousness this is not what I had expected. It has really wore me thin. I expected to be sore, like maybe a really bad sore throat, chillin back and eatin some ice cream or some smoothies. I have not eaten more than 6 or 7 bites of ANYTHING since last week. By the time I hit bite 5 I think, my throat starts to rebel against whatever it is I'm trying to shove down it. And I take medicine and try to repeat the process in a couple hours. I am hungry. HUNGRY. And I tend to get cranky when I'm hungry. And I knew I could spare a few pounds, but losing 7 in not quite as many days seems to be a little drastic. Not that I will get to appreciate it, because when I can eat, I'm sure whatever is lost will quickly refind itself. LOL.

And bless my family. They are doing everything they can to make things better on me. Nursing me. Taking care of Jared. Even doing business stuff for me. Nice. All very nice.

So, that is my update. Nothing eloquent. Nothing even inspiring. Just please continue to pray for me and my family. Please pray that this recovery will speed up a bit. I'm okay with taking it easy until I'm fully recovered, just as long as I can get a little pain relief.

And, just so you know....as soon as I can eat something again, you all better stay outta my way. Cause I'm hittin up some restaurants and Walmart. I'm gonna eat something good and fattening, and sticky and something that will stick to my ribs. Forget broth. Yogurt. Pudding. Mushed macaroni. Ice Cream. Jello. I want something tasty.