Better or Bitter?

I was asked not too long ago whether my husband and/or marriage had made me bitter. The answer to that question could very well be "yes", but I am thankful that it is not. As I mentioned, the time that immediately followed me calling it "quits" I was bitter. But it was not a lasting feeling. And alot of those feelings were towards God rather than my husband. It was a short season, one in which I made many mistakes. Given to me to do over again, I'd like to think I'd do things differently, but I can't imagine that pain being any different, or my faith being shaken any differently, so I imagine my response would be the same. That is just honest.

I met my husband five years ago next month. It wasn't the best time in my life, nor was it the worst. I had been partying but I wasn't depressed, even though I have dealt with that on and off my whole life. We moved into a serious relationship very quickly and I gave my heart away faster than I should. We moved in with one another a year later and were married six months after that, being together about a year and a half. I can look back now, and have even told him, that I am responsible for us getting married. Of course he had a say so, but I was pressured to marry him. I had made a mistake by living with him, felt convicted by my beliefs way more than I ever thought I would, and thought the best way to fix it was to get married.

I quickly learned that I had made a mistake. But what was I to do? Of all the things that have happened in three years since we married, I hold more blame toward myself than anyone. He was the same the day we seperated as he was the day I married him. I had no illusions of the kind of person he was. I knew full well what I was getting myself into, and went on anyway. And I didn't have the misconstrued notion that I could change him. I did believe that he could change. I knew it would be up to God. Had I not married him, or waited I would have seen that he didn't want to change, and God never forces our hand. It is up to us. But one thing he had going for him, was boy, could he play the game. He played along for three years and is still playing today. But after I was married, I was dedicacated to making it work, doing all that I needed, changing myself for the better, being the wife I was biblically called to be. It was my mistake, and I was determined to fix it. I had taken an oath before my family and God to do just that. I believed and still do that marriage is for life.

Before I give all the details I need to say a couple things. First, I did love him. I wanted to see him change. I wanted to help him change. I wanted him to see the changes in me, the relationship I had with God, and want to change for himself. We had fun together. More than anyone else I had been with, I laughed the hardest. I talked and opened myself up the most. I invested. We shared our goals and dreams. We talked and planned for the future. He was at times very caring. And I think alot of it, well, honestly, just had to do with me. Not to toot my own horn, but if I had acted differently, not as open, I'm not sure we would have had even that good stuff. Because in reality, he's selfish. If he had been given nothing to start with, I'm not sure I would have ever seen the good side.

Because most of what I saw was the bad stuff. We weren't married three months yet, when we called the pastor that had married us and asked him to counsel us. Now, there are probably a million different opinions on what constitutes "cheating". I have my ideas, have always maintained the same opinion. Whether he (I'll just keep referrring to him as he) agreed with them or not, he knew exactly what I thought about the matter. I had never tiptoed around the topic. I had always told him, I was in it for life, and one sure fired way to make sure I left would be to cheat on me. And within three months of the "I do's" he had done it. I found pictures of half naked girls and profiles from a member site in the temporary internet files of his computer.

Without going into every detail of the low's of our marriage, I will say that it was not my finest moment when ever I resorted to searching through computer files, phone records, text messages, etc. I had NEVER been the jealous girlfriend before. I had never had a reason to. I won't say that every man I met was the pillar of society, or that they were all great. BUT I can say that not a one of them ever disrespected me. Maybe we broke up before they felt the urge, or they just had enough genuine respect for me not to do it. Not him. I was disrespected at every turn. And I really started to hate the woman that I had become. I felt like one of those crazed psychopaths that is constantly digging for info. And even when I wasn't digging I would find stuff, which then would start the search all over again to see if I had missed something. Like I said, not my finest moment. But my reasoning at the time, would I rather be a crazed, lunatic of a woman searching frantically for evidence of an affair, OR an ignorant pathetic sap of a woman that stood by and made excuses for herself and her husband, meanwhile him making her look like a fool and taking advantage of her. Okay. Well I decided to be Woman A. And I wish I could say that I was being paranoid. But my gut instinct never failed me. I would always find something. Which would start a fight of why I was looking in the first place, to which I would respond that for once I'd like not to find something. And the argument continued in circles....blah blah blah.

I will also say that if he had ever been honest with me, things could have turned out drastically different. But every time he was confronted with an issue, he would deny it. He would lie about it. He would come up with huge, detailed, extravagant stories to back up his lies. And one listening would think, "how could someone lie so big?". Truthfully, I never full heartedly believed his stories, but sometimes there would be enough truth to make me at least sway towards believing him. And I wanted to. I mean, Lord, who wants to think they are married to a pathological liar? Because although I said I knew what I was getting into when I married him, that is mostly true. I knew enough that I shouldn't have married him in the first place. But even that was only the tip of the iceberg. He knew how to play the game.

This is emotionally draining on me. I have chosen to relive it, to share it in hopes that I can help someone. But more so, it's therapeutic for me. I think and hope that it will provide closure for me. Somehow that me writing about it, putting it out for the whole world to see (and even him) will help me know that I'm done. It will remind me that I don't want to go there again. Because I don't. I can't. I've decided to stop with the story for now. I will pick up that again later.

But what I had learned to this point is important. Because I learned something that I never thought myself capable of doing. I forgave. For cheating. I forgave for lying. And I did those things knowing the truth but having never heard the truth come out of his mouth. Like I said, he would admit half truths, but usually what I had already known or suspected. I never got a tearful confession begging for forgiveness. But I gave it anyway. I'm not saying that staying with him was the best thing I could have done. But forgiving him, I know for sure, was. It was the best thing for ME, had nothing to do with him. It allowed me to see that God enables us to do the impossible. I had always said I would NEVER stay with a man that cheated on me. I would never even be able to THINK about forgiving him. And God showed me that it was possible. And I think that very early lesson is what has kept the long lasting bitterness away from me. Because I have even forgiven him now. And he still doesn't grasp what he has been forgiven for. And that's OK. I didn't forgive on my own though. It is my natural tendency to not forget things. I won't say that I haven't been a forgiving person my whole life, but when it came to that area, I just had always kinda said, "like, why bother?". I can't say that I have forgotten them today, otherwise this blog would be short. But I don't carry these things around with me everyday, allowing them to weigh me down with bitterness, hurt anger or betrayal. To this I say "like, why bother?". :)

A Look Back

I am wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I haven't posted in some time, for various reasons. There are many new things to be reported and pondered. I have been wanting to post for months, but wasn't quite sure how to say what I felt needed to be said. I'm glad I decided to wait. If I had written, my tone would have been completely different than the one I know I can use today. I went through a "dark" time a few months back, full of resentment, bitterness and anger and I would not have had a very positive outlook. But like all other times in my life, where the darkness creeps in, I have taken time to examine the situation and myself. And optimism returns. It has.
But for me to begin to even share what I hope for in the new year, I do kind of have to recap on the last year, and maybe even a few before that. I had not shared every detail of my life in the last few posts, because that is when the "tough" had started. I wanted to wait to see if things would turn around...once again, wanting to share the positive, and to protect someone else. And it's not that I don't care about protecting that person anymore, I just know it's no longer my job.

I had seperated from my husband back in April of '09. That is why I mentioned my living situation being a little difficult. And in that seperation, I had hoped that we would reconcile. At the end of July, I knew without a doubt there would be no reconciliation. We had seperated three times in three years of marriage each time me wanting to make it work, and doing everything possible to see that happen. And I always knew, that if things didn't change, there would be a point that I would just KNOW that it was over. That day happened in July. There were no tears. No tantrums. No pity parties (but believe me, I had plenty prior to that date). Just me deciding enough was enough. I had not taken my marriage lightly, nor the seperations, no the marriage counseling, or now the divorce.

And I will post more later about what I've been through in the last five years since I met my ex husband. And not so much what I've been through, because lots of women (and men) have been through those things. But more important is what I learned. The kind of person I became through it. The kind of lessons that I would hope to pass on to someone else in the same situation. But that is for later.

After I decided to call it "quits" in July, I moved on. Quickly. I started dating. And partying. The last four years of my life had not been fun. Not even remotely fun. Sure there were fun times, mingled in with all the greif. But I lost alot of myself in my marriage. So I went back to the "fun" I had before I got married. Really the only fun I was ever used to. And I met a guy. I started seeing him seriously, way too quickly. And I got pregnant.

And I could keep writing. From now until the end of the weekend....and still have stuff to say. I think I will quit here. But 2010 will hold many things for me. I will have the baby I have wanted for so long, ironic that my husband and I had tried very hard and just didn't happen. I will turn 30. My son will turn 12. I will continue to grow my business. I will strive everyday to be the person that God wants me to be. And what is great, is that even though I screwed up back in September, he has already forgiven me for that. Back in October. I am carrying a child, that was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, but have a peace about it. I know that God will bless this child, already has a plan for the child and the adult that he/she will become. I know this. Because it goes back to my favorite passage in the Bible. Psalm 139. And along with my baby, he has a plan for me too.

More to come.....maybe tomorrow.

What now?

Ok. So here's the deal. You find out that something big is planned. Maybe you find out months ahead, leaving you counting weeks and days until it happens. You wait patiently, or may be not so much for that day to come. And then the big event happens....and then what?

That is how my time has gone waiting for this surgery to happen. Because I am hoping that it will solve some if not all of my long lasting medical problems. The inability to sleep well, the fatigue during the day (duh), the weight gain, the migraines, etc, etc, etc. I have been so wound up waiting on the doctor's office, the insurance and the hospital to schedule me that it had me preoccupied and not thinking much about other things going on in my life. And to be honest that was a big blessing at the time. It was an appreciated distraction.

But now my surgery has come and gone. By the way, I am recovering nicely and eating here and there. No hamburgers or pizza yet, but I am not wasting away either. I am pretty much off the medicine except at night to help sleep, and during the day I feel human again. Thanks much for all of the prayers and well wishes. It is nice to know that people care.

I ask myself "what next?". There are so many things up in the air right now. I am in a temporary living situation. So there is the question of where I should be living, or should I be in a hurry to get there. How much money should I save before I even think about living elsewhere. I have been blessed abundantly with work lately, for which I am extremely thankful. I want to believe that I will continue to be blessed, but also don't want to take on the responsibility of a single income home with no promises that next month will be the same as the last month.

There are other factors involved with my living situation. For example, Jared just graduated fifth grade and will be going to big ole middle school next year. So not only have I pulled him out of his existing school district, I am doing it at a milestone in his life that could be a hard adjustment. I want to make sure that whatever school he is attending in the fall will be the best one for such transition.

I have so many questions. I won't say fears. Maybe I will call them "concerns". I have so many concerns about what will happen in the next few months. I know God is with me here, in this time of uncertainty, but I sure wish I could see down the road just a little ways to help know the decisions that need to be made today. I know he doesn't work that way, but it would be nice. I don't want to know EVERY little detail, but a little glimpse would be ok. At least to know that I am on the right track.

And there is another area of my life that is rocky. I won't go into that now, except to mention that I am really, totally at a loss at what to do. And this is not the first time that I felt that God's voice could just as easily be Satan's voice telling me what to do. It is one of those situations where God's will could go either way, and there definitely needs to be some clear instructions or directions given. And I'm not hearing anything. Nothing. Nada. I want so much to do what the Lord wants of me, even against my own desires and wants. I want to be in his will. I just don't hear anything right now. I desperately want answers.

Please pray for me. I don't lay my life out here to be entertainment. I do it to hopefully encourage and inspire. But I also feel that as Christians we sometimes keep things to ourselves because of pride or shame or guilt or embarassment, and that is the biggest tool of Satan. If we never share our burdens with another, then we can never receive prayer or encouragement or positive feedback. So that is another reason I put my life in the view of everyone. I ask earnestly for prayers. I need wisdom, and discernment and guidance, and protection from the enemy. And honestly I need to develop an even deeper yearning to find his purpose for my life. A growing desire to know God better. A rooted love for Him. I want to be wooed by Jesus. I want to fall in love with Him, to have an intimate relationship. Please pray with me and for me. Thank you in advance for any prayers you lift on my behalf.

With much sincerity,
Renee